Something Simple!

Hello my forgiving readers. Once again my life got away form me.   Life here goes on much like everything else. School is almost done for the quarter. IT IS ROUGH! There is nothing new there but that is nursing school right? As usual, with the end of the term is filled with tests, projects and anxiety. No matter how well you do during the previous weeks you always worry if there is enough points to pass. I know that I am doing fine but that I am still freaking out. I know, I know, I know! I just need to take a deep breath and just stay the course.

So enough of school, onto the trans stuff. So I have been on estrogen for a month now. There are some good and rough spots but more good then rough. Some of the best things that I have found are that my skin is so much softer even now. I had one of my girlfriends said she could see a glow. Insert schoolgirl laughter here. My mind is a bit calmer (ok a lot calmer). The only issues that I seem to have at the moment is that there seems to be a wall between my and emotion release. NOW GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER!! I am not talking about sex. I seem to get to the point where I can almost cry but just not crest that ridge. I have been told that it will get better. OMFG that dose sound a lot like sex.

That is my life is a nutshell. Again, thank you all for reading this little slice of my insanity. If you want to follow me on twitter you can find me at @transkarissarn.

Cheers!

SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTSSHOTSSHOTS, SHOTS.

Hello my faithful readers. Another week has passed and here we are. I am glad that you are still reading after my past post. I am not going to apologize for what I said because it was a truthful as I could be. I feel that if I apologized for that then I would be somehow invalidating how I was feeling. As I said when I started this blog I was going to be brutally honest with my readers and with myself. I stand by those word now and for the foreseeable future. This means that at times it is going to get raw and bumpy. Sometimes it will be sunshine and unicorns pooping rainbows at times too though. This is a blog about real life, real transition and a real person. Shit gets messy.

To quote Monty Python, “Now for something completely different!” This week has been one of exciting starts and a few minor setbacks. I still have trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that things can happen to make you question your base faith in humanity and resort it within tens of hours of each other. But more on that later. First let us talk nursing school. This is just over the half way mark in my term and I am still sitting at a solid B in both of my classes. After the exam that happened at the beginning of the week I though I was going to be lucky if I passes at all. All through the test I KNEW I was going to fail. It was so bad that around question 30 of 50 I had already started doing the math in my head about what I would have to get on the two remaining tests to even achieve the 78% test average needed to pass the class. So when I got to question 50 and hit the submit button I took a deep breath and refreshed my grade book screen. There it was. I refreshed again. Nope it was still there. I thought I was looking in the wrong spot so I refreshed yet again. Still there. I had scored an 84%. I know that there are some of you out there who see that and think, “Come one now, 84% is OK at best. Why are you getting so excited about and 84%” Here is why. There is a running joke in nursing school that C’s are the new A’s. It is funny because it is true. This is why I was excited. Yes there are those students in nursing school who will never score bellow a 97%. This are often younger students who do not have families, jobs, live at home with their parents and nothing but time to devote to studying. Then there are the rest of us. We are the parents, who work (either at a job or in the home and YES THAT IS WORK! But that is another topic for another time), and have responsibilities outside of school. For these people, my people, we only have one goal. TO PASS!!!

In the realm of transition, this was a huge week. I STARTED ESTROGEN!!!! This has been a long time coming for me. So from now to when ever the doc decides to stop my HRT for something better, I will be giving myself injection of estrogen every Thursday. So yes I give them to myself. No it is not as bad as most people think. It is a bit of a mind-fuck the first time you give yourself injections but that is easily over come. I know I stick people with needles every day at work but it is still odd when you do it to yourself. I have been asked if I can notice any changes yet. The honest answer is…I do not know. It is not like some magic serum that with I good to be Thursday night and POOOFFF wake up Friday morning a Cis Woman (or even a Trans Woman with a great rack J ). This transition thing takes time. For those who know in IRL, know that this is my biggest hurdle that I am working to overcome.   I like stuff to happen NOW and in a hurry. I guess this is the universe’s way of making me slow down and not force things to happen. What I have noticed is some very small and subtle changes. To be fair, I do not know if these are being caused my the estrogen or are psychosomatic. The biggest thing is that my mind seems quieter. I have been on T-blockers for almost over two months and I have noticed that I am less prone to outbursts. So by adding the estrogen, it may have smoothed out things even more. Like I said though, I am not sure where to attribute it too but I will still count it as a win.

Unfortunately that was some shittyness this week too. This was the week some of my patients decided to take offence at me being trans. I knew this was going to happen. For the most part it seemed to affect my coworkers more then me. After one particularly vile person decided to ask, “Are you a man or a woman or something in-between,” I had a coworker ask me is I was good. I thought that he was asking if I need help with that patient or some other stuff in my assignment. I said I had the assignment squared but thanks. What he said next almost brought a tear to my eye. He said, “No, are YOU good?” I am tearing up a bit even now. If you were to look at this guy out on the street you would think that he might just be another stupid cis-het male. The truth is that he is a great man and has supported me for years. First when I came out as gay and not when I came out as trans. For this fact alone I love the guy. Thank you E.

The next time was a few nights later. This one I kind of laughed at. Sure this patient made it well known that he did not like me but at least he use the right works (“are transgender or something?) and my correct pronouns (“I don’t like her! She ain’t my deal” sorry sweetie, neither are you). When we got him settled down one of my nurses apologized for his comments. I told her though it was kind of her to say, it was not her apology that was warranted. I laughed and told her, “he may hate my but respected me enough not to miss-gender me.” Some days even that can be called a win.

I have said this a million times already, I knew that there were going to be bad reaction when I decided to come out as openly and be as visible as I am. I take it in stride. I have chosen to use the privilege that I have been given and use it to be an example to people that Trans people are just people. There are so few differences that it is almost difficult to name. Some has told me that I have been an inspiration. I am not sure how to take that. I am not trying to be anyone’s inspiration or the like. I am just trying to be me. Some days I can’t seem to even get that right. All I can do is just keep trying and see what happens. I know that I will get there someday. The road will not always be smooth as glass but it will never be boring.

Cheers

~Karissa~

 

 

  1. So as you may know, transition can and is very expensive. There are things that insurance just will not cover. This is not including the cost of legal name change and all the other stuff that goes with that. For this reason I have set up a GoFundMe. I hate to ask for help but if you are able to donate I ask you please do. Let me say this HERE and NOW, TransKarissaRN.com will ALWAYS be a free site. I will never turn this into a subscription site like others have. I would rather burn it to the ground and dance on its ashes before I do that. You can find the link on the edge of the page. Like I said, I am not here to pressure you to give ANYTHING at all. Also I do not want to cause anyone any hardship if they do give. If you can and do, GREAT THANK YOU SO MUCH! If you cant or don’t, GREAT THANKS FOR READING THE BLOGG!

Cheers again

~Karissa~

Not All That Is Shines Is Sunny

Hello my faithful readers. Thank you first off for taking time and reading this. I have had a chance to talk to some of you since my last post and I have to say how amazing that people are reading my ramblings. It means the world to me. So thank you!

This week as been semi-uneventful. We had a lab test out this week. Nothing great or overly difficult, mostly review for me. I am not trying to be, “Look at me being all super nurse.” I have just had been doing these skills for a few years so I ended up being the leader. Oh well. We are all in this together. It was good that I could be able to help people who needed, namely my fellow students who have not done this before. Preceptor Karissa reporting for duty.

On the transition front is another story. I have told all of you that I would be upfront and honest about everything that I am going through. This has been a rough week for me. So what am I talking about? I will start with this; I have server but functional depression. Ok so what dose this mean? I have been living with for long enough that I can hide it rather well. For those with functional depression, they look as if they are all together. At worst they will come across a tired and maybe a bit preoccupied. When someone checks in with someone with functional depression they will hear some of the following responses, “I am just tired.” “I am doing fine just busy.” “I would love to go out but I am swamped with stuff here at the (enter place like home, work, etc here).” What is really going on is that these people are doing everything within their power to hold things together. Most days they are grasping at threads. Think of it like this. If you have ever have gone the beach and tried to hold sand that is mostly water in your hand you will see that no matter how hard you try it runs out. This is how functional depression feels. No matter how hard you try to hold on to whatever you are doing to keep your shit together.

So why am I going into this? How dose this have anything to do transition? I am so glad I assumed that you asked. A major part of transition is dealing with gender dysphonia. As I said in past posted, that is when the person is feeling and what they are experiencing do not match. This can also happen when someone is missgendered or not seen as the gender that they identify as. Also this can happen when the person feels as if they are not (insert gender) enough. Now if you add functional depression on to of that, you get a perfect storm of self-loathing and shit!. This is where I have been for a while. I know that I am never going to be this size 2 super models. I know that I will always be, as Bob the Drag Queen would say, a “suspiciously large woman.” Never the less I have been having an issue with feeling right in my own skin. I am not saying that I do not want to transition. Although I do not feel like I am fitting into this body I have right now but the idea of going back to trying to pass as male I think would mean a fate worse then death.

So what do I do now? I need to allow myself to feel these feelings. I need to allow myself to deal with these feelings because they are normal. OK those where the textbook answers. Now on to the real answers. THIS SHIT SUCKS! I hate the fact that no matter what I do I cannot make myself look how I feel or feel how I want to look. I can not get my head in a place that will be happy with me as I am because I know that I still look nothing like I feel. Oh, while I am on that topic. How am I to feel? The further down this path I go I feel less and less male but the feelings of being female are become less and less pronounced, as they are becoming less novel and more normal. I think that these feeling have become more prevalent since I started testosterone blockers a few months back. The Doc I am seeing has his MtF patents start with them first then add estrogen later. I can understand the clinical thinking behind this. I think that makes it worse and not better. I think that if I did not understand I would be able just blindly trust what is going on and just ride it out. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. So, now my testosterone is now to a level that would rival most cis women. Good! The issue is that there nothing to replace it. I know what estrogen will do to my body and my emotions. I have done the research. I have talked to the people. Right now though I dream of it! I long for it! I need it! At least then I would have something to use to deal with these issues, even if it is not what I am used to. Right now it is like I am trying to fight with no tools, or like I am trying keep running on an empty tank.

So here is my silver lining in this grey cloud. I have been told that I will be starting my estrogen on the 8th. So I am only a few days away. I think I can make it till then, hell I have made it this far right?

 

Running the Gauntlet

Good Sunday morning my amazing readers.  This week has been one of amazing happenings on both the school and transition fronts.  Let’s talk about school first.  When one is in nursing school, there are many tips and tricks that can help you get through.  One of the best is finding a group of people that you click with that will drive you to be a better student and, in the end, a better nurse.  I have been very lucky to find this group.  This group of amazing women have pushed me to new levels of student-hood (that is a word now so deal with it😉 ) that I did not know I could achieve.  After the shitty group projects that all of us had been a part of in the last term, we decided to band together and start our own study and support group.  These people have already helped keep me on track and talked me of the ledge more times and in more ways than they may ever know.  I am the kind of person that is willing to let stuff slide if it only effects myself but will whatever it take so that my team secedes.  Because of this fact I have, for the first time in nursing school, been able to get all my required work and reading done well before that last minute.  I love these girls!  Thank you all so much for making me a better student and better nurse already ladies!

On the transition front this has been a stellar week.  For those who are unfamiliar with the transgender world, there is a thing called passing.  This is when a transgender person is able to be seen as their true gender out in the real world.  When they are treated as who they truly are without being looked as a odd or miss-gendered.  I am going to stop here for a moment and say something EXTREMELY important.  PASSING DOSE NOT MAKE SOMEONE MORE OR LESS TRANS!!!  It is a personal choice that each individual needs to make FOR THEMSELVES!!!  I am not saying that if you as a transgender person does not pass then you are doing it wrong.  YOU DO YOU!  If you do not want to pass, then great!  Don’t!  For me (and me alone) I feel that the more I am able to pass, the better and more affirmed I feel.

Now that is out of the way back to my week.  There are some places both cis and trans people see as places that they are afraid or unable to go.  This could be because they feel that they will not be accepted, harassed or made to feel “icky” for going there.  For me that place has always been Victoria’s Secret. For me, this store has always been the panicle of femininity and womanhood.  The female gauntlet if you will.  When I was presenting male, I always felt like I was seen as some kind of creeper whenever I went into that store.  This last week, when I was feeling rather good about myself and appearance so I decided to say, “I am ready!” and in I went.  I was mentally prepared to be looked at like a freak and be made to feel like I was trespassing in the holiest of holy places.  As I was looking at some of the new t-shirt bras I could see a sales person walking toward me from the corner of my eye.  I braced myself.  “Hey sweetie, anything I can help you find?”  Wait? What? No sir? No condensing tone? No “WTF are you doing in this store?!” look behind her eyes?  Holy hell is this really happening?  The answer was yes.  She saw me as my true self (even if she was just being kind I did not care).  I told her that I was just looking to blow my paycheck and we both laughed.  She asked my name and said that she would be more than willing to do or find anything I needed.  You could not chisel the smile off my face with a jackhammer or TNT at that point.  She told me about their sales that were going on and gave me her name.  As I was shopping another saleswoman passed by and said, “Are you ladies finding everything ok?” The other two women said that they were ok and the saleswoman was still looking at me.  She was waiting for me to answer.  I was one of the ladies she was asking.   I was on cloud 9.  I said thank you and she helped me find a cute bra that was on display but that I could not find in my size.  She asked if I needed to be fitted? I said that I was ok as far as that went.  I was already feeling great, I did not want to push it.  As I was checking out, the customer in front of me in line turned around and looked at me.  My heart sank.  Well there goes all the amazing feels that I was having.  She looked me up and down and said, “That is such a cute coat.  Where did you get it?”  She was being sincerer.  We talked a bit and it was amazing.  I left VS light on my feet (and a little lighter in the pocket book but not to bad).  I had run my gauntlet and came out the other side whole if not better.

I know for many of you, my readers, this experience will ring true with you and others it will not.  My takeaway from this is simple but profound.  Whatever you do, do it with intent and confidence.  I think that if I had gone into VS timidly and acting like I did not belong, that is how I would have been treated.  I made the decision before going in that I was going to be the strong and confident woman that I am meant to be and the rest of the world be damned!  I am not going to lie, it was one of the scariest things I have done to this point.  BUT I am so glad that I did it.  I am a new woman because of it.  Even if only a little bit.  Well, that and I now have some very cute new panties and an amazing new bra AND it was ON SALE!!!

Cheers my loves!

Karissa