Self sabotage

Self sabotage.  It is the ability to take whatever you are doing, or trying to do, and sink it all by yourself.  This trait is something that many of us have been elevated to the state of an art form.  I am not immune to this trick.  More times then I  am ever willing to count, I have taken something that I know will be awesome or hard but growing and killed it because of the fear that it brought out in me.

I have no qualms about being honest and open with my issues with anxiety.  Not for pity or attention but to be visible.  There is still far to much stigma around issues of mental health in our world today.  It is this anxiety that caused me to kill some of my best ideas.  Some of these plans were sabotaged so badly that I will never be able to use then again where others have never even gotten that far. Why you ask? It is because of my ability to allow my anxiety to sabotage them.

We as a people need to be able to look at this and decide if we are going to keep doing the same old thing or change.  There is that terror inducing word, change.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, brings more anxiety in my mind then the idea of change.  If you read my last blog post you will see that I talked about change there as well. The reason that I am still on this topic is because it is still an issue.  Not the change itself but how we (and by we I mostly mean I) deal with the feelings that come with change.

If you are new here (welcome first off) I will give you a little back-story.  I started not only a new job, but a new career.  BIG CHANGE. While some fear and anxiety is common with these changes, I can not be common. I am extra and I own it.  The anxiety that this changed causes in me is high enough that I am not able to concentrate, sleep, and something even breathe. Fun right?

After my first day, most of it being what I love to call “Corporate Kool-Aid Sessions,” I feel like this is going to be an amazing company to work for.  I have never (yes literally NEVER) found a company that is this “woke” or inclusive.  Despite this, I find myself wanting to run away.  I find my mind going to, “You know, I could just email them, and say that I am not a good fit and be done with it.” Why?

This then comes back to my anxiety and my dealings with impostor syndrome.  Impostor syndrome is when you feel that you are a fraud and it is only a matter of time until you are found out.  It does not matter if you are the world’s best and inventor of the thing you are doing, you feel that you have no idea what you are doing and will be exposed by your lack of knowledge.

This is my first nursing job.  I have been a EMT/ED Tech for over 8 years.  I know patient care.  I can do patient care. BUT…I am terrified anyways.  It is this fear that caused me to want to run.  I know that I will be able to grow from my time here, yet I want to run.  I know that this will make me a better nurse and even a better person, yet I want to run. I know that I will be accepted and work with like-minded people who will respect and honor me, yet I want to run. I want to kill the dream that I have spent two very long and hard years working for.  Why? Anxiety and fear.

So, what am I going to do about this?  Well, I am going to butcher a quote from one of the worlds more amazing minds of our time, Tina Belcher of Bob’s Burgers.  I am going to put my bra on one boob at a time, then go do the thing!  I am going to own my anxity and fear.  I am going to sit in it for a moment to show myself that I am not going to die from it.  I am going to let it go away and do what needs to be done.  I am going to get dressed, put on my face and meet this change like the Amazon that I am.  I am going to take this world by it’s nethers and make it my bitch!

It is my most sincere and honest hope that you will do the same.  When you feel that you just want to run, pause a moment.  Allow yourself to feel those feelings of fear and anxiety. Ask yourself where are they coming from. Ask yourself if you are really willing to allow this opportunity to pass you by. I mean really willing.  Chances are that the answer is no.  You have worked far to hard from these to just pass like so many other things in your life.  You got this!  You are a beast!  You are amazing and unstoppable.  Now go out and do the thing!



pgp: she/her/hers.



Ps. If you have found my blog helpful and useful, please conceder donating to my gofundme.  I am trying to raise the money for surgery that my insurance will not cover.  If you are able to then THANK YOU!!!!  If not, THANK YOU FOR READING ANYWAYS!!!  If you could also spread the word about it I would be forever grateful!

They Say Change Will Do You Good

In less then 12 hours I am going to be officially starting my next chapter in my life.  In that amount of time I will be starting a career as a Clinical Float Nurse.  I am terrified. I have gone so far as to think about emailing my new manager and lying to them about taking another job somewhere so I would not have to go and do the thing.  WTF GIRL!? This is your dream job!  Why in the name of the Goddess would you do a thing like that?  Because change is scary.

The sad and funny thing is, this new job is not that much different them my old EMT job.  Yes there are more responsibilities and more on my plate but in it’s most basic form it is all just patient care.  I rock at patient care (or at least I have been told I do).  So why was my first reaction to cut bait and run like my ass was on fire?  Again I go to my previous statement, CHANGE IS SCARY!

Don’t worry, I did not send the email.  What I did though was start thinking.  If I was so honestly willing to bail on something that I have worked my ass off for in the name of fear, what little things have I let go for the same reason? What have I not even started? What choices have I made because I was to scared of what would happen?

I know that I am not the only one that deals with fear by setting camp in the flight section of the Fight, Flight or Freeze reaction.  I joke that I do not run.  Well, that is bullshit.  Plain and simple.  I have ran from so much that scared me the you might think that I am one of those ultra marathoners.

I have done it for almost 40 years (shut up I know that I am old).  Why do we allow fear to run our lives like this?  What is it that we are actually afraid of?  Are we scared that we are going to fail or maybe even do it?  Is it the fact that if we do make it we will not know where to go from there?  Is it that we are far to comfortable where we are, watching shit on TV while we eat our body weight is shit?  When does it stop?

So that is the question I will leave you with this morning (or whatever time of day you see this). Why are your reacting to fear the way you are?  Be honest with yourself.  I mean best girlfriend, yes that dress makes you look like shit, no you can not pull of that color, no your SO is really a shit kind of honest.  When you boil and distil the reason down to it’s honest core then ask, what am I going to do about it?

I know for me I am going to live in that fear when it hits me.  I will allow myself to feel it, name it and then send it on its way.  Then I will go do what needs to be done.

I hope that everyone finds that thing that causes then to run, fight or freeze.  I hope you are able to name it and own it.  Once you do that, there is nothing that can stop you!



Change Will Do You Good!

Change can be good. This is a statement that I have heard so much lately that it is starting to sound hackneyed and cliché.  No matter how true that statement is change is still often hard.

In less then ten days as of this post I will be starting a new and exciting chapter of my life. Nursing.  Not nursing school but actual patient care nursing.  I graduated nursing school in September of this year and passed the NCLEX in 75 questions in October.  In November I interviewed and accepted a position for a clinical float nurse for a local branch of a national nonprofit.  I will be covering the needs of their clinics within the state of Minnesota.

To say that I am excited would be an understatement.  While it still does not feel real to me yet I can not wait for my first day.  This is the thing that I have worked for two (well more then that really) years for.  This is the thing that I stressed, screamed, endured and fought for.  Shit is getting real!

If I did not talk about how this change is actually bittersweet I feel that I would be missing have the picture though.  As this door is opening, another is closing.  By taking this job I will be leaving the one that I have had for over eight years.  If I am being honest I think that it is time.

I loved my time as a tech, as a whole.  I met and worked with some amazing people.  I have helped some amazing patients.  I learned so much that I have not even going to go into that list.

These experiences are not without their cost though.  It is so true that nothing in life is free.  During my time as a tech I have seen things that will stay with me forever, and not in the good way.  During my time as a tech I have seen senseless deaths; been verbally, physically, and emotionally assaulted almost daily, and lived/worked with a near constant undercurrent of fear for my own life.  It was to the point that my family had an actual plan for what would happen WHEN I was killed on the job.  After eight years of this I was mentally worn down to the point that I ended up in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt. (see previous posts for the whole-ish story)

Please understand that this is not really commentary or rebuke of my soon to be former employer.  This is the state of hospital medicine in the US today.  The number of attacks on healthcare staff is not only appalling but is only rising. Staff are being assaulted every shift. Staff members are being killed on the job at rates that are mind blowing (sources upon request).  This needs to change.

This is one of the reasons why I decided to walk away from the hospital setting for now and focus specialty clinical nursing.  I want to become more of a specialist in an area(s) that I am truly passionate about. With this new job I will be doing just that.  I will be focusing on Reproductive Health and Rights, Mental health promotion and Transgender Healthcare.  These are the three of the four areas that I have the most calling for. To say that this is a dream job of mine would not be a lie.

I know that there are those who read this blog that are acute/hospital care nurses.  I am not saying anything against them.  There are those who that is where they are called to be. I love that.  I love that there is a place in nursing that everyone can fit. Maybe some day I will go back to the hospital side of nursing.  Right now it is not where I feel I can do the most good for the most people.

I will update everyone once I start on how the new gig is going.  Thank you all for your time and reading my blog.  I love you all!

As always, Be Good, Be Well and ALWAYS Be Kind!



Trans Women Read as Crone

The image of the Crone holds many different connotations in our vast global history.  It is a character that is seen throughout most of the world lore.  Many times the Crone is depicted as a bitter old woman when is not conventionally attractive who prays on children and the gullible.  She is the old witch in the woods that deprecate people will seek out for the help of last resort.

In some pagan traditions, the Crone is seen as the Goddess in the later stages of life.  She is the woman who had past her childbearing years. The Crone is see and often revered as the wise woman of the tribe.  She is the healer and councilor.  She is the maker of medicines and potions.  She is the worker of magic of both pure and..not so pure.  She is the teacher of knowledge, both the mystical and practical.

As a trans woman, I feel that once I began transitioning I also started my own Croning process.  The fact that I waited till I was 38 and already had two teenage persons in my life to start may have contributed to those feelings.  This is not a bad thing mind you, just not something that I expected

The fact that I did not start living authentically until later in my life afforded me a very different outlook.  Walking in the world of to my miss-assigned gender for almost four decades allowed me to see “how the other half lived.”  It was enlightening.  I have seen the world from now two very different sides.

I have seen the privileges that masculine identified persons are afforded.  I have felt the stress of trying to be the “perfect” man, father, leader and/or spouse.  I have felt the bite of the phrase “Man the hell up!”

I have also begun to experience the world through the lens of feminine identified persons.  I have felt that pressure to alter my body to be beautiful enough, skinny enough and/or smart enough (but not to smart). I have felt the fear of personal injury, assault or even death as a group of men cross my path.  I have felt the idea that I need to be the perfect spouse, parent and worker without complaint or balk.

It is the exact fact that I have see the world through both sets of eyes that makes me feel that I have entered the Crone phase of life.  I have knowledge that many people do not possess.  I am able to take this knowledge and use it to incite changes, to teach other and attempt to make the world better. As the old School House Rock cartoons always said, “Knowledge is Power!”


Be Good, Be Well, and Always Be Kind!



Looking Behind to Plan Ahead

Being Pagan, our year runs from Samhain to Samhain (Nov 1 to Oct 31).  This means that I have been trying to plan out my next year.  Think of it as what most people do on or around Jan 1.  I have also taken this time for me to look back on the past year.  I wanted to reflect of what has gone on, what I have done and not done, and where I would like to make improvements.

In the past year I have:

Continued My Medical Transition

Started Estrogen

Started Progesterone

Finished Nursing School

Took The NCLEX And PASSES!!!

Started To Reconnect With Family

Found And Lost People Who Were Dear To Me At The Time

(And In Some Ways Still Are)

Faced A Crap Ton Of Crap And Still Came Out The Other Side

Found My Voice

Dealt With Major Mental Health Issue

(Still Dealing With Them TBH)

Learned That I Am Stronger Then I Thought

These are just a few of my list.  To say that this was an easy year would be a lie.  I would not change about 98% of it if I could but I have to acknowledge the truth about it.  Parts of this past year SUUUUUCCKKED!!!!  Now looking forward, I have a better idea of how to avoid those parts and how do deal with the parts I can not avoid.

I am looking at this New Year with opened eye and yet a hopeful smirk.  So far here are some of the things that I hope to do in this next year.

In this next year I will:

Write 1500 Word A Week

Finish My Novella

Become Extremely Knowledgeable In My Chosen Field Of Nursing

Do A Crap Ton More Self Care

Give Myself Permission To Not Be Perfect

Loose 50 Lbs

Become A Doula

Start BSN/MSN Program

Let’s break this list down. The first two kind of go hand in hand. I started the year with the goal that I was going to write 500 words EVERYDAY!  Great goal, but it was a bit unrealistic for me at this point.  So I decided to revise it to a more magabale task. At 1500 words a week, I would have 78,000 words by the end of the year.  That means that I would have the first draft of my novella, or even a short novel, completed.  When I brake it down like that it becomes something that I can get my head around.

Next I want to get to know my chosen filed of nursing as much as I can in this next year.  I know that I will not become a subject matter expert in ANYTHING in only a year but I can learn as much as I can.  I want to become the person that others come to when they do not know.  What can I say, I am a teacher at heart.

I will lump the next three together. I have been a good one for taking so little actual self care that you could count the times in this pact year on your hands and have enough fingers left over to…well you would have a lot of fingers that are free.  I need to allow myself the latitude to not be perfect and take care of myself at times.  This may mean something like a trip camping or even allowing myself 30 minuets to knit and listen to a podcast without feeling guilty.  I also need to get back into shape.  This is not for anyone else but me.  I conceder this part of self care as well.  I need to not feel like I am going to die by going up two flights of stairs.  As I get into shape, the weight loss will happen.  Double win!!

The last two are part of my self/professional growth.  I have wanted to become a Doula since that day in Penny’s Maternal/Child class when a doula came into talk.  Birth is a very gendered and not all that NGC (non-gender conforming) accepting/welcoming place.  This is seen in the language that is used and some of the teaching that happens.  As a trans woman and a nurse, I feel called to do my part to help change that.  This means first become a Doula so that I can help those who are NGC and others have the birth experiences that they want.  Secondly, I will go back to school to eventually become a Nurse Midwife so that I may expand my practice and help make further changes.

That is my next year in a nutshell.  I would love to hear what the next 12 months has in store for everyone of you.  PLEASE go to the Facebook Group/Page (click here to go there) and let me and everyone else know.

I hope you all have an amazing day that is as amazing I think you all are!

An as always,

Be Good, Be Well, and ALWAYS Be Kind!




Manifestation Experiment 1

I have found myself listing to a lot of audio book that deal with making your live better.  I know that in the past self help books have gotten a bad wrap.  Much of the time, this has been a fair and honest assessment.  I was the first one to call “woo” and blow these styles of books. I have always thought that they were written for folks that had nothing better to do then try to find the quick fix and easy way to do life.  I think that this was te reason that I have fought for so long and hard to not give this genre very minimal, if any, space on both my actual and virtual shelves.  That had changed.

Now hold one a moment and hear me out.  I can almost hear the judgment and sarcasm that many of you all the way over here and through the distance of time and space.  Let me explain.

The self-help book of the past had far to much of the idea that if you just say, “I am wealthy”, “I am happy,” “I am successful,” enough these things will just happen.  I am not seeing that as much today.  Yes there are affirmation and using the power of positive thought, but they do not stop there.  Unlike the books of old, todays self-help books go one step further.  You do your affirmation like in the past, BUT then you get your ass to work!

I have found that the idea of “manifesting the change you want” do be a very heave theme these day. I think the best way I can sum this up is as follows.  If you send out positive energy you get positive energy.  Some people are more prone to this then others.  I am one of those people.  Here is a example.  Has anyone notice that you can be having a good day then you run into Ms. Debbie Downer? After only a few minuets in their presence you are in a bad mood. How did this happen?  Not 10 mins ago things were going well.  Now you feel like life is shit.  Energy.

In that same vain, it is safe to assume to you have heard the saying, “laughter is contagious.”  I know that most people have had this happen. Your day is not going great and then your friend says something that was funny-ish to your but a real knee slapper to them.  They are laughing so hard that you think that they are going to pass out from lack of breath. Before you know it, you are laughing too and almost as hard.  Then you realize that your mood has improved and now are doing better.  Their positive energy has rubbed off on you.  Today most self-help writers are calling these actions manifestation.

After seeing these examples and ideas in far too many places to count I thought I would give it a try for the next month.  For the next 30 days I am going to attempt to practices manifesting positive changes in my life. First I will speak good things into my life then be open to the work that is needed to make them happen.  After a month I will recap how it went and decided if I am going to keep doing it.

How about joining me on this experiment and journey?  See if these next 30 day are the best of your life or not.  Go to the Facebook groupand let everyone know how it is going and if you are going to keep going or stop.

Well that is enough for now. I hope you are well and know how much I lover every one of you!


As always:

Be Well, Be Good, and ALWAYS Be Kind!



The Times that are a Changin’!

I know that I have been posting everyday there for a bit.  While it did feel great to post that often, I know that it is not a sustainable pace for me right now.  To make sure that I do keep posting on a regular schedule I have set up this program.

I have decided to officially turn this blog into a weekly psudo-lifestyle blog.  Ok what the hell does that mean right?  Well I have be taking one day each week and focusing (all be it very soft focuse) on a single topic.  This does not mean that I will not add “bonus” blogs as the muse or life hits me.  Here is the working schedule that I have set up.

First Monday of the month:

Mental Health Monday

Second Thursday of the month:

Transitions Thursday

Third Monday of the month:

Media Monday

Last Friday of the month:

Free-for-all Friday

Now lets breakdown these days!

Mental Health Monday:

This is the post that will focus on the issues surrounding mental health.  It may deal with issues that I am having or issues that people are having with mental health in general.  I may also talk about the issues surrounding access to mental healthcare and other barriers to this essential human right.

Transitions Thursday:

This is the day that I will blog all things trans.  I know that other “bonus” posts may deal with the same kinds of topic so please do not get mad if you see a random post that deals with trans issues.  This is a blog that is written by a trans woman, did you think that this topic would not come up?  (Oh that is cute!)

Media Monday:

This will be my day to review what media is making me tingle in all the happy places.  This could be a book that I read or listened to, a podcast that I love, a LP that I can not stop listening to or even just some new gadget that I happened to see.  This is not going to just be some day to tell you all how great a thing is.  I will do my best to give you a balanced and fair review. If something sucks, I will be the first to say it.

Free-for-all Friday:

This is the day that all the rules go clean out the window.  This blog will be about whatever the hell I want it to be.  Will it be about nursing?  Will it be about relationships? Will it be about how Pluto should still be a planet?  Who know? You are just going to have to check it out and read it for yourself.

Bonus Posts:

These will be the posted that I am moved to up that are not on these days.  I am recovering and relearning my life after a mental health crisis.  I just do not have the spoons to give to a daily blog at this time.  Will I have the spoons to do a daily blog?  Only time will tell.

This is our new lineup. I hope you like it.  If you want me to talk about please email me or post on the Facebook page and I will do my best to get the topic covered.

I will leave you with this good by.

Be Good, Be Well and always BE KIND!





Minor Step are BIG Progress

As you may (or may not) know, I am currently on a medical leave of absence for reasons of mental health. I was originally ashamed of myself for having to take this time to work these issue.  I decided to own my story and be radically vulnerable and transparent (see Confessions of a Depressed Trans Woman for details).  Through treatment and self-reflection I have been able to make tiny strides in the right direction.  This was made clear this morning at about 330a.

If I go to be any time before midnight I will normally wake up around 2-3a.  This just the way it is.  Since I was asleep by 930pmy eyes popped open around 330.  I am addicted to my phone (mostly likely so are you so stop judging me 😉 ). When I am coherent enough, I grab the phone and turn it on. I have a voicemail from work and a few text messages.  All of these are on the same theme. I was back on the schedule and where was I?

Here is where I start to see my personal growth.  In the past I would have freaked the hell out.  I would have jumped out of bed, call work and lost my ever loving shit at the situation.  I also would have most likely taken it out on whichever poor soul answered the phone. Not good.  This morning was different.  I was able to take a breath and be ok with this minor mess up.

I call work and talked to them very calmly.  I explained that I was still on leave and that I would be for a bit longer.  The Nurse I talked to was very kind and understanding.  I told her that I would be contacting team member health in the morning to clear this issue up.  That was it. No frustration that was blown to the N-th degree.  No downward spiral in to the pit of despair.  Just a feeling of, “Well this kind of sucks because of this miscommunication.  I see that there is a way to fix it but not right now.  I will just fix it when I can.”

For those who do not live with anxiety this statement may seem benign.  For me it is anything but. In the not so distant past, this would have sent me into such a tailspin that I would be wrecked for the next few days to a week.  I would have ruminated on this like a cow on its cud.  My mind would have taken this small issue and taken it to places like, “They are doing this to me on purpose,” “They are doing this just to make me look bad,” or “I should just cut bait on the therapy and get back to work. I am not really sick anyway.”

As you can see, this is a far different reaction.  Now I have the mental tools (and yes medication) to deal with these issues.  I can not tell you how great that being able to see these changes feels.  It is validating as well as gives me hope that I will continue to get better.  I just need to stay the course.

I am not better yet. What I am is better then I was yesterday and tomorrow I will work to be better then today.  That is my goal and plan.  I know that there will be setbacks.  I know there will be hard times.  I also know that as long as I stay grounded, lean on those who are willing to help me when I need it and practice self-compassion I will get there.

Thanks you all for your amazing readership and coming along with me on this adventure into my future.

Admin note: There will be some changes that will be coming up in the near-ish future.  I will keep you all posted as that are about to happen.  I hope you enjoyed this and PLEASE feel free to share this blog with everyone you know. Love you all!!!!


Remember, Be Well, Be Good and ALWAYS Be Kind!



pgp: she/her/hers

Once More Into The Breach My Friends…

Sometimes you can not leave well enough alone. By you I really mean me. I have decided that I need to go back to school.  I can hear some of you already. “Karissa, you just got done with nursing school.  Why are you doing this to yourself again and so soon?” Well, baskets are not going to weave themselves underwater are they? Just kidding.  I am going back to get my Bachelors of Nursing Science (BSN) then my Masters in Nursing Education.

When I first start college back in 1997 (yes, I know that I am old), I wanted to teach.  I have had the joy of teaching my fellow classmates many things during my time in nursing school as well as many of my patients. There is a joy I have found in teaching. When the student gets it there is a light that goes off in their eyes.  This “ah-ha” moment is wonderful to see.

My end goal at this time is to teach in a clinical setting.  While I think that I could do actual classroom teaching, providing teaching at the bedside I feel will be more fulfilling. I am not saying that in time I will teach in the classroom, just not right away.  I say this as if I might have a choice.  Let’s be honest; I will teach where I am told as long as the check doesn’t bounce.

I have not given up my dream to work Labor and Delivery or Mental Health.  I can do both.  If I teach nursing clinical I can show my students in either of these departments how to turn the knowledge that they received from the classroom and actually us it with their patients.

I have found a school that will do the BSN completely online and is all essays based.  This means that I will not be doing any testing ever again. Yes I know that there will be tests for my certificates like BLS, ACLS, PALS etc. Let me have this one ok? I will not name the school here at this time.  I will however say that it is not Rasmussen.

I know from my family’s experiences that finding a teaching job that is full time can be rather hard. Many colleges and universities now are not giving tenure to anyone.  Why would they? Why keep a teacher/professor around forever when they can just hire adjunct teachers/professors as a fraction of the cost?  The college save’s money and is able to get rid of the instructor at any time.

I wish there was a way to show the mountain of sarcasm and distain for this practice that I am using right now.  That is one of the major downfalls if this style of communication.  I understand that the tenure system has been abused in the past.  I know that keeping an instructor indefinitely is not always the best thing. I also know that there are far to many good, scratch that, AMAZING instructors out there who are having to work several jobs to make ends meet and/or get medical insurance (I am looking at you Sis).  I digress.

I start this undertaking on January 1, 2019.  A new year, a new adventure!  If I am reading this correctly, I could be done in as little as 12 months.  This is because of the amount of credits that I am able to transfer in credits.  Wish me luck, my amazing readers.


Be Good, Be Well and Always Be Kind!




Ps: I wanted to take a quick second and say thank you to all of you reading these blogs.  This was a stupid project that I started one night because I was looking for a way to not do school work.  Over the last year I have found that this is something that I really love to do.  I love to see that people are connecting with my writing and thoughts.  While I would do this no matter how many people would read this, the fact you are out there reading helps.  OK IT IS THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD!!! Sorry for that.  I just had to get it out. Thank you all. Please keep checking back and always feel free to share the blog with anyone and everyone.  Please keep checking back because here is so stuff coming up that I feel is really cool.  Also, check out the Facebookpage for the blog.  Please share that too.

Thank you all so much and I love you all!!


A Meditation Through a Viewfinder

After my post yesterday, I decided to do some actual self-care.  I bought out my old camera and headed off to the Conservatory at Como Park. If you are not familiar with what the Conservatory is you really need to be.  Think of it as a year round beautiful garden.  It is by far one of my favorite places to go here when the weather starts to get cold here is the frozen north.  There are four basic gardens all with some of the most beautiful plants, flowers and fountains that I have seen here in Minnesota.

While I was walking around I was playing my yoga/meditation playlist in my ear buds as I shot.  It was serene.  If you talk to many people you may find that almost everyone has a hand full of “happy places.”  These are places that they will think of when things get rough in their lives.  The Conservatory is one of mine.

Of the four gardens, the one known as the “Sunken Garden” is by far my favorite.  If you ever see pictures of people getting married in the Conservatory, This is where it most often happens.  There is a long and shallow pond running down the center of the garden.  The pond is flanked by walkways and rows of seasonal plants and flowers.

As I walked around and viewed this world through the eyes of a very armature shutterbug, the other guests there seemed to just fade into the background until I felt like I was alone in this place.  In that space it was just my camera, all those beautiful creations and me.  This trancelike state was broken from time to time but either bumping into someone or others in a similar state bumping into me.  I would apologize to the ones I bumped into and the others would look up and we would both chuckle and ask how the other’s shoot was going.  We would show some of your favorite raw shots and go back into our own worlds.

In that space I did not think about anything but “what is the best angle/light/distance/lens for this shot?”  There was not thought of how cold it was outside of the walls. There was thought of how shitty the world is becoming.  There was only the moment that I was standing in and the world that was in my viewfinder.   It was mindfulness personified.

The last week in the program that I am in, we have been doing A LOT of work on the idea of mindfulness. The quick and dirty definition of mindfulness is being in the moment.  It is being in your body.  For me I have fought this concept for so long. The reason for this was mostly because I did not (and still do not) like the body that I am living in right now.  By practicing mindfulness, we are to learn that it is ok to be in the body and place we are in.  We are to use the practice to be present or in those moments as it unfolds.  Mindfulness is the opposite of disassociation.

I have included a few of my favorite picture from the shoot.  I hope you enjoy.  If you download the picture, please ask first (I promises to say yes, I just want to know who has them) and PLEASE give my the credit form them (saying you did them when you did not is a dick move).

Well, my amazing readers, this post makes number 4 in 4 days!  I think that all 600+ words a day thing is starting to be a good thing for me. If there is a topic that you would like to see me talk about or cover please let me know. You can reach me on the FacebookPage.  Just add a post and say, “HEY GIRL!!! I want you to talk about  XYZ on the blog!”

Ok Off to get this Sunday underway!

Love you all!

Be Good, Be Well and Always BE KIND!