YiR Post!!! Look at 2018 and a bit into 2019

Happy New Year Everyone! I guess this is the obligatory EotY reflection and planning blog.  So here we go!

This year has been huge for me.  It was the first full calendar year that I have lived as my true self.  It was the year that I finished nursing school.  It was the year that I reached a breaking point and ended up in the hospital for it.  It was the year that I found my relationship style to be Poly and unashamedly so.  It was the year that I have found that being happy and well HAS TO BE the most important thing in my life if I am going to be able to survive.  So to say that it was a huge year would be correct.

In this first full calendar year that I have lived as my true self I have started to find that thing that makes me the woman that I am.  I am finding that I am a soft butch, semi to med fem lesbian.  I have found that my style is someone where between super hippy chick and biker bitch.  I love to look pretty and get dolled up for a night out and still find comfort getting on my Road King and burn a tank or two.  I love the fact that I am finding that I am just a valid as a woman is becoming less and less dependent on how I am seen in the world.  This is not to day that I do not fight dysphoria almost daily. Dysphoria is a motherfucher and can die in a fucking fire!!!  I am just seeing that I am able to work through it better.

Now that school is over I have found a great job where they feel that I am doing great!  I still feel like I am lost somewhere in the sauce. This is normal, I have been told, with any new job but I am still feeling the feels around this.  On the Brightside I have not brokedown at work at all. At home, that is another thing all together but that is not the point.  I love my job and the fact that I get to talk about sex and reproductive health all day is so cool.

After I finished school and took my NCLEX I was at a low like I had not felt is several years.  It was so bad that after some choices I made I ended up in the hospital for 5 days.  I will not go into what I did and exactly what lead up to them here.  If you want to know please go back and read the blogs I posted about that time in my year.  What I have found is that I have got myself to a point that the only way to go is up.  I have been able to start to rebuild my life and shape it into the world that I want to live in.  I know that there are times still that my live is harder then I think that I can stand. In these moments I find that if I just keep focusing on the next step then the next one I can get through it.

I have been truly blessed with relationships in my life this year that have shaped me and given me so much joy.  Thank you M and thanks your S for all your love, compassion and care.  Thank you D for being sweet and letting me spread my wings. I love you all so very much.

So what is on the docket for this next year?  I will be having GRS (genital reconstruction surgery) this year.  I will be going back to school (I hope) this fall.  I will be planning a SHT trip this fall.  I will be able to be my best and most authentic self I can. As for the rest of the year, I have no idea.  It is a mystery, and one that I can not wait to solve!




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