Self sabotage

Self sabotage.  It is the ability to take whatever you are doing, or trying to do, and sink it all by yourself.  This trait is something that many of us have been elevated to the state of an art form.  I am not immune to this trick.  More times then I  am ever willing to count, I have taken something that I know will be awesome or hard but growing and killed it because of the fear that it brought out in me.

I have no qualms about being honest and open with my issues with anxiety.  Not for pity or attention but to be visible.  There is still far to much stigma around issues of mental health in our world today.  It is this anxiety that caused me to kill some of my best ideas.  Some of these plans were sabotaged so badly that I will never be able to use then again where others have never even gotten that far. Why you ask? It is because of my ability to allow my anxiety to sabotage them.

We as a people need to be able to look at this and decide if we are going to keep doing the same old thing or change.  There is that terror inducing word, change.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, brings more anxiety in my mind then the idea of change.  If you read my last blog post you will see that I talked about change there as well. The reason that I am still on this topic is because it is still an issue.  Not the change itself but how we (and by we I mostly mean I) deal with the feelings that come with change.

If you are new here (welcome first off) I will give you a little back-story.  I started not only a new job, but a new career.  BIG CHANGE. While some fear and anxiety is common with these changes, I can not be common. I am extra and I own it.  The anxiety that this changed causes in me is high enough that I am not able to concentrate, sleep, and something even breathe. Fun right?

After my first day, most of it being what I love to call “Corporate Kool-Aid Sessions,” I feel like this is going to be an amazing company to work for.  I have never (yes literally NEVER) found a company that is this “woke” or inclusive.  Despite this, I find myself wanting to run away.  I find my mind going to, “You know, I could just email them, and say that I am not a good fit and be done with it.” Why?

This then comes back to my anxiety and my dealings with impostor syndrome.  Impostor syndrome is when you feel that you are a fraud and it is only a matter of time until you are found out.  It does not matter if you are the world’s best and inventor of the thing you are doing, you feel that you have no idea what you are doing and will be exposed by your lack of knowledge.

This is my first nursing job.  I have been a EMT/ED Tech for over 8 years.  I know patient care.  I can do patient care. BUT…I am terrified anyways.  It is this fear that caused me to want to run.  I know that I will be able to grow from my time here, yet I want to run.  I know that this will make me a better nurse and even a better person, yet I want to run. I know that I will be accepted and work with like-minded people who will respect and honor me, yet I want to run. I want to kill the dream that I have spent two very long and hard years working for.  Why? Anxiety and fear.

So, what am I going to do about this?  Well, I am going to butcher a quote from one of the worlds more amazing minds of our time, Tina Belcher of Bob’s Burgers.  I am going to put my bra on one boob at a time, then go do the thing!  I am going to own my anxity and fear.  I am going to sit in it for a moment to show myself that I am not going to die from it.  I am going to let it go away and do what needs to be done.  I am going to get dressed, put on my face and meet this change like the Amazon that I am.  I am going to take this world by it’s nethers and make it my bitch!

It is my most sincere and honest hope that you will do the same.  When you feel that you just want to run, pause a moment.  Allow yourself to feel those feelings of fear and anxiety. Ask yourself where are they coming from. Ask yourself if you are really willing to allow this opportunity to pass you by. I mean really willing.  Chances are that the answer is no.  You have worked far to hard from these to just pass like so many other things in your life.  You got this!  You are a beast!  You are amazing and unstoppable.  Now go out and do the thing!



pgp: she/her/hers.



Ps. If you have found my blog helpful and useful, please conceder donating to my gofundme.  I am trying to raise the money for surgery that my insurance will not cover.  If you are able to then THANK YOU!!!!  If not, THANK YOU FOR READING ANYWAYS!!!  If you could also spread the word about it I would be forever grateful!

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