As you may (or may not) know, I am currently on a medical leave of absence for reasons of mental health. I was originally ashamed of myself for having to take this time to work these issue. I decided to own my story and be radically vulnerable and transparent (see Confessions of a Depressed Trans Woman for details). Through treatment and self-reflection I have been able to make tiny strides in the right direction. This was made clear this morning at about 330a.
If I go to be any time before midnight I will normally wake up around 2-3a. This just the way it is. Since I was asleep by 930pmy eyes popped open around 330. I am addicted to my phone (mostly likely so are you so stop judging me 😉 ). When I am coherent enough, I grab the phone and turn it on. I have a voicemail from work and a few text messages. All of these are on the same theme. I was back on the schedule and where was I?
Here is where I start to see my personal growth. In the past I would have freaked the hell out. I would have jumped out of bed, call work and lost my ever loving shit at the situation. I also would have most likely taken it out on whichever poor soul answered the phone. Not good. This morning was different. I was able to take a breath and be ok with this minor mess up.
I call work and talked to them very calmly. I explained that I was still on leave and that I would be for a bit longer. The Nurse I talked to was very kind and understanding. I told her that I would be contacting team member health in the morning to clear this issue up. That was it. No frustration that was blown to the N-th degree. No downward spiral in to the pit of despair. Just a feeling of, “Well this kind of sucks because of this miscommunication. I see that there is a way to fix it but not right now. I will just fix it when I can.”
For those who do not live with anxiety this statement may seem benign. For me it is anything but. In the not so distant past, this would have sent me into such a tailspin that I would be wrecked for the next few days to a week. I would have ruminated on this like a cow on its cud. My mind would have taken this small issue and taken it to places like, “They are doing this to me on purpose,” “They are doing this just to make me look bad,” or “I should just cut bait on the therapy and get back to work. I am not really sick anyway.”
As you can see, this is a far different reaction. Now I have the mental tools (and yes medication) to deal with these issues. I can not tell you how great that being able to see these changes feels. It is validating as well as gives me hope that I will continue to get better. I just need to stay the course.
I am not better yet. What I am is better then I was yesterday and tomorrow I will work to be better then today. That is my goal and plan. I know that there will be setbacks. I know there will be hard times. I also know that as long as I stay grounded, lean on those who are willing to help me when I need it and practice self-compassion I will get there.
Thanks you all for your amazing readership and coming along with me on this adventure into my future.
Admin note: There will be some changes that will be coming up in the near-ish future. I will keep you all posted as that are about to happen. I hope you enjoyed this and PLEASE feel free to share this blog with everyone you know. Love you all!!!!
Remember, Be Well, Be Good and ALWAYS Be Kind!