As you many of you know, I have been struggling with mental health for much of my adult life, mainly severe depression, anxiety and PTSD. In that time I have attempted to kill myself several times over the years. I am not sharing this for sympathy or anything of the like. I am simply stating this because I am being transparent. Over the last few months my mental illness has gotten extremely bad. I originally thought that it was due to the stress of nursing school and the like but when it only got worse after nursing school I knew something else was going on.
I have always prided myself being able to hold everything together no matter how much shit hit the fan or how horrible things got. I have also been able to keep a smile on my face and joy in my voice regardless of whatever personal hell that I maybe going through. In the last few weeks, this ability has fallen apart. It was to the point that friends started to see through my facade. Things got so bad that I once again attempted to end my life. Not many people know this. It is not something that I am proud of but it is the truth.
I checked myself into the ED and was transferred to an inpatient psych unit. I spent 5 days there and was discharged. This was on 10/30. I am currently beginning a partial inpatient program on the 11/7. This is a day program at the same location that I have an inpatient at. This will be a 10-day program then I will transition into a Intensive Outpatient Program.
I am currently on medical leave from my job. While I am well enough to not need inpatient treatment, I am far from well enough to go back to work. If I were to go back to work right now I know that I will end up back in inpatient before Thanksgiving. This fact makes me feel not only broken but also worthless. I know that this is my shit and I am determined to own my shit.
So now that I have told you all this, I will answer the question that must be burning in your mind. Why did I not call/tell many of you? The answer is simple. I had to do this on my own. While I was in the hospital, I asked that no one come to visit me. I asked that no one call the unit asking for me. I did talked to a few people but only briefly. This was a road that I needed to walk alone. This is because I needed to show myself that I was strong enough to do this for me.
Ok now that I have bore my soul to you all now what? Well, I have made a few decisions. First, I will be posting more frequently here but the format may change a bit, mostly in topic and content (yes I know that this may be the same-ish kind of thing but work with me here). I will be focusing on things like mental health, some political stuff as it pops up, reviews of food, respices and media that I come across and other things I find interesting. I will also be starting new media project once I find my new job (Oh I for got to share this, I PASS THE NCLEX!! I am a real nurse now but more on that in a future post) and get my mental health stabilized even more. I am not going to share where or what this is or will be right now but I will keep you informed. I will also be kicking off a new GoFundMe and Patreon account to help with some expenses of this new project. Who knows, maybe someday I will have a great media empire, book deals and more. Hey, a girl can dream;)!
Ok my dear and amazing, Stay tuned and thank you for sticking in there with me.