Hello my faithful readers. Another week has passed and here we are. I am glad that you are still reading after my past post. I am not going to apologize for what I said because it was a truthful as I could be. I feel that if I apologized for that then I would be somehow invalidating how I was feeling. As I said when I started this blog I was going to be brutally honest with my readers and with myself. I stand by those word now and for the foreseeable future. This means that at times it is going to get raw and bumpy. Sometimes it will be sunshine and unicorns pooping rainbows at times too though. This is a blog about real life, real transition and a real person. Shit gets messy.
To quote Monty Python, “Now for something completely different!” This week has been one of exciting starts and a few minor setbacks. I still have trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that things can happen to make you question your base faith in humanity and resort it within tens of hours of each other. But more on that later. First let us talk nursing school. This is just over the half way mark in my term and I am still sitting at a solid B in both of my classes. After the exam that happened at the beginning of the week I though I was going to be lucky if I passes at all. All through the test I KNEW I was going to fail. It was so bad that around question 30 of 50 I had already started doing the math in my head about what I would have to get on the two remaining tests to even achieve the 78% test average needed to pass the class. So when I got to question 50 and hit the submit button I took a deep breath and refreshed my grade book screen. There it was. I refreshed again. Nope it was still there. I thought I was looking in the wrong spot so I refreshed yet again. Still there. I had scored an 84%. I know that there are some of you out there who see that and think, “Come one now, 84% is OK at best. Why are you getting so excited about and 84%” Here is why. There is a running joke in nursing school that C’s are the new A’s. It is funny because it is true. This is why I was excited. Yes there are those students in nursing school who will never score bellow a 97%. This are often younger students who do not have families, jobs, live at home with their parents and nothing but time to devote to studying. Then there are the rest of us. We are the parents, who work (either at a job or in the home and YES THAT IS WORK! But that is another topic for another time), and have responsibilities outside of school. For these people, my people, we only have one goal. TO PASS!!!
In the realm of transition, this was a huge week. I STARTED ESTROGEN!!!! This has been a long time coming for me. So from now to when ever the doc decides to stop my HRT for something better, I will be giving myself injection of estrogen every Thursday. So yes I give them to myself. No it is not as bad as most people think. It is a bit of a mind-fuck the first time you give yourself injections but that is easily over come. I know I stick people with needles every day at work but it is still odd when you do it to yourself. I have been asked if I can notice any changes yet. The honest answer is…I do not know. It is not like some magic serum that with I good to be Thursday night and POOOFFF wake up Friday morning a Cis Woman (or even a Trans Woman with a great rack J ). This transition thing takes time. For those who know in IRL, know that this is my biggest hurdle that I am working to overcome. I like stuff to happen NOW and in a hurry. I guess this is the universe’s way of making me slow down and not force things to happen. What I have noticed is some very small and subtle changes. To be fair, I do not know if these are being caused my the estrogen or are psychosomatic. The biggest thing is that my mind seems quieter. I have been on T-blockers for almost over two months and I have noticed that I am less prone to outbursts. So by adding the estrogen, it may have smoothed out things even more. Like I said though, I am not sure where to attribute it too but I will still count it as a win.
Unfortunately that was some shittyness this week too. This was the week some of my patients decided to take offence at me being trans. I knew this was going to happen. For the most part it seemed to affect my coworkers more then me. After one particularly vile person decided to ask, “Are you a man or a woman or something in-between,” I had a coworker ask me is I was good. I thought that he was asking if I need help with that patient or some other stuff in my assignment. I said I had the assignment squared but thanks. What he said next almost brought a tear to my eye. He said, “No, are YOU good?” I am tearing up a bit even now. If you were to look at this guy out on the street you would think that he might just be another stupid cis-het male. The truth is that he is a great man and has supported me for years. First when I came out as gay and not when I came out as trans. For this fact alone I love the guy. Thank you E.
The next time was a few nights later. This one I kind of laughed at. Sure this patient made it well known that he did not like me but at least he use the right works (“are transgender or something?) and my correct pronouns (“I don’t like her! She ain’t my deal” sorry sweetie, neither are you). When we got him settled down one of my nurses apologized for his comments. I told her though it was kind of her to say, it was not her apology that was warranted. I laughed and told her, “he may hate my but respected me enough not to miss-gender me.” Some days even that can be called a win.
I have said this a million times already, I knew that there were going to be bad reaction when I decided to come out as openly and be as visible as I am. I take it in stride. I have chosen to use the privilege that I have been given and use it to be an example to people that Trans people are just people. There are so few differences that it is almost difficult to name. Some has told me that I have been an inspiration. I am not sure how to take that. I am not trying to be anyone’s inspiration or the like. I am just trying to be me. Some days I can’t seem to even get that right. All I can do is just keep trying and see what happens. I know that I will get there someday. The road will not always be smooth as glass but it will never be boring.
- So as you may know, transition can and is very expensive. There are things that insurance just will not cover. This is not including the cost of legal name change and all the other stuff that goes with that. For this reason I have set up a GoFundMe. I hate to ask for help but if you are able to donate I ask you please do. Let me say this HERE and NOW, TransKarissaRN.com will ALWAYS be a free site. I will never turn this into a subscription site like others have. I would rather burn it to the ground and dance on its ashes before I do that. You can find the link on the edge of the page. Like I said, I am not here to pressure you to give ANYTHING at all. Also I do not want to cause anyone any hardship if they do give. If you can and do, GREAT THANK YOU SO MUCH! If you cant or don’t, GREAT THANKS FOR READING THE BLOGG!