Not All That Is Shines Is Sunny

Hello my faithful readers. Thank you first off for taking time and reading this. I have had a chance to talk to some of you since my last post and I have to say how amazing that people are reading my ramblings. It means the world to me. So thank you!

This week as been semi-uneventful. We had a lab test out this week. Nothing great or overly difficult, mostly review for me. I am not trying to be, “Look at me being all super nurse.” I have just had been doing these skills for a few years so I ended up being the leader. Oh well. We are all in this together. It was good that I could be able to help people who needed, namely my fellow students who have not done this before. Preceptor Karissa reporting for duty.

On the transition front is another story. I have told all of you that I would be upfront and honest about everything that I am going through. This has been a rough week for me. So what am I talking about? I will start with this; I have server but functional depression. Ok so what dose this mean? I have been living with for long enough that I can hide it rather well. For those with functional depression, they look as if they are all together. At worst they will come across a tired and maybe a bit preoccupied. When someone checks in with someone with functional depression they will hear some of the following responses, “I am just tired.” “I am doing fine just busy.” “I would love to go out but I am swamped with stuff here at the (enter place like home, work, etc here).” What is really going on is that these people are doing everything within their power to hold things together. Most days they are grasping at threads. Think of it like this. If you have ever have gone the beach and tried to hold sand that is mostly water in your hand you will see that no matter how hard you try it runs out. This is how functional depression feels. No matter how hard you try to hold on to whatever you are doing to keep your shit together.

So why am I going into this? How dose this have anything to do transition? I am so glad I assumed that you asked. A major part of transition is dealing with gender dysphonia. As I said in past posted, that is when the person is feeling and what they are experiencing do not match. This can also happen when someone is missgendered or not seen as the gender that they identify as. Also this can happen when the person feels as if they are not (insert gender) enough. Now if you add functional depression on to of that, you get a perfect storm of self-loathing and shit!. This is where I have been for a while. I know that I am never going to be this size 2 super models. I know that I will always be, as Bob the Drag Queen would say, a “suspiciously large woman.” Never the less I have been having an issue with feeling right in my own skin. I am not saying that I do not want to transition. Although I do not feel like I am fitting into this body I have right now but the idea of going back to trying to pass as male I think would mean a fate worse then death.

So what do I do now? I need to allow myself to feel these feelings. I need to allow myself to deal with these feelings because they are normal. OK those where the textbook answers. Now on to the real answers. THIS SHIT SUCKS! I hate the fact that no matter what I do I cannot make myself look how I feel or feel how I want to look. I can not get my head in a place that will be happy with me as I am because I know that I still look nothing like I feel. Oh, while I am on that topic. How am I to feel? The further down this path I go I feel less and less male but the feelings of being female are become less and less pronounced, as they are becoming less novel and more normal. I think that these feeling have become more prevalent since I started testosterone blockers a few months back. The Doc I am seeing has his MtF patents start with them first then add estrogen later. I can understand the clinical thinking behind this. I think that makes it worse and not better. I think that if I did not understand I would be able just blindly trust what is going on and just ride it out. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. So, now my testosterone is now to a level that would rival most cis women. Good! The issue is that there nothing to replace it. I know what estrogen will do to my body and my emotions. I have done the research. I have talked to the people. Right now though I dream of it! I long for it! I need it! At least then I would have something to use to deal with these issues, even if it is not what I am used to. Right now it is like I am trying to fight with no tools, or like I am trying keep running on an empty tank.

So here is my silver lining in this grey cloud. I have been told that I will be starting my estrogen on the 8th. So I am only a few days away. I think I can make it till then, hell I have made it this far right?

 

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