Running the Gauntlet

Good Sunday morning my amazing readers.  This week has been one of amazing happenings on both the school and transition fronts.  Let’s talk about school first.  When one is in nursing school, there are many tips and tricks that can help you get through.  One of the best is finding a group of people that you click with that will drive you to be a better student and, in the end, a better nurse.  I have been very lucky to find this group.  This group of amazing women have pushed me to new levels of student-hood (that is a word now so deal with it😉 ) that I did not know I could achieve.  After the shitty group projects that all of us had been a part of in the last term, we decided to band together and start our own study and support group.  These people have already helped keep me on track and talked me of the ledge more times and in more ways than they may ever know.  I am the kind of person that is willing to let stuff slide if it only effects myself but will whatever it take so that my team secedes.  Because of this fact I have, for the first time in nursing school, been able to get all my required work and reading done well before that last minute.  I love these girls!  Thank you all so much for making me a better student and better nurse already ladies!

On the transition front this has been a stellar week.  For those who are unfamiliar with the transgender world, there is a thing called passing.  This is when a transgender person is able to be seen as their true gender out in the real world.  When they are treated as who they truly are without being looked as a odd or miss-gendered.  I am going to stop here for a moment and say something EXTREMELY important.  PASSING DOSE NOT MAKE SOMEONE MORE OR LESS TRANS!!!  It is a personal choice that each individual needs to make FOR THEMSELVES!!!  I am not saying that if you as a transgender person does not pass then you are doing it wrong.  YOU DO YOU!  If you do not want to pass, then great!  Don’t!  For me (and me alone) I feel that the more I am able to pass, the better and more affirmed I feel.

Now that is out of the way back to my week.  There are some places both cis and trans people see as places that they are afraid or unable to go.  This could be because they feel that they will not be accepted, harassed or made to feel “icky” for going there.  For me that place has always been Victoria’s Secret. For me, this store has always been the panicle of femininity and womanhood.  The female gauntlet if you will.  When I was presenting male, I always felt like I was seen as some kind of creeper whenever I went into that store.  This last week, when I was feeling rather good about myself and appearance so I decided to say, “I am ready!” and in I went.  I was mentally prepared to be looked at like a freak and be made to feel like I was trespassing in the holiest of holy places.  As I was looking at some of the new t-shirt bras I could see a sales person walking toward me from the corner of my eye.  I braced myself.  “Hey sweetie, anything I can help you find?”  Wait? What? No sir? No condensing tone? No “WTF are you doing in this store?!” look behind her eyes?  Holy hell is this really happening?  The answer was yes.  She saw me as my true self (even if she was just being kind I did not care).  I told her that I was just looking to blow my paycheck and we both laughed.  She asked my name and said that she would be more than willing to do or find anything I needed.  You could not chisel the smile off my face with a jackhammer or TNT at that point.  She told me about their sales that were going on and gave me her name.  As I was shopping another saleswoman passed by and said, “Are you ladies finding everything ok?” The other two women said that they were ok and the saleswoman was still looking at me.  She was waiting for me to answer.  I was one of the ladies she was asking.   I was on cloud 9.  I said thank you and she helped me find a cute bra that was on display but that I could not find in my size.  She asked if I needed to be fitted? I said that I was ok as far as that went.  I was already feeling great, I did not want to push it.  As I was checking out, the customer in front of me in line turned around and looked at me.  My heart sank.  Well there goes all the amazing feels that I was having.  She looked me up and down and said, “That is such a cute coat.  Where did you get it?”  She was being sincerer.  We talked a bit and it was amazing.  I left VS light on my feet (and a little lighter in the pocket book but not to bad).  I had run my gauntlet and came out the other side whole if not better.

I know for many of you, my readers, this experience will ring true with you and others it will not.  My takeaway from this is simple but profound.  Whatever you do, do it with intent and confidence.  I think that if I had gone into VS timidly and acting like I did not belong, that is how I would have been treated.  I made the decision before going in that I was going to be the strong and confident woman that I am meant to be and the rest of the world be damned!  I am not going to lie, it was one of the scariest things I have done to this point.  BUT I am so glad that I did it.  I am a new woman because of it.  Even if only a little bit.  Well, that and I now have some very cute new panties and an amazing new bra AND it was ON SALE!!!

Cheers my loves!

Karissa

2 Replies to “Running the Gauntlet”

  1. Sounds like a complete wonderful day for you!
    I love your courage! It takes a strong woman to get through lifes obstacles and you got it girl!
    Your transition, commitment and confidence is inspiring to me!
    Im glad I get to be someone who gets to watch you rock the shit out of your journey!

    Like

  2. Glad your VS exceeded your expectations!! You aren’t alone with your insecure feelings. As I have gotten older I have the same issues with going in VS as well as stores in general. I may be buying a dress, shoes or cute undies and wondering if the staff or even other shoppers are judging me. Does it look like I’m trying to dressing too young or are my bright color selections making me look a bit eccentric!! You aren’t alone & don’t give up the fight!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s