Bad Tapes

We all have those tapes that play through our heads.  These are the messages that we hear when we are faced with different situations.  These are tapes that have been recorded over the years and different experiences that we have come across.  Fire is hot, don’t touch.  Chocolate is good, must eat.  Many of these tapes are very helpful and even essential for us to get through our daily lives.  The issue comes in when we have tapes that are not as altruistic as the other.  These Bad tapes are the ones that tell us that we are not pretty enough, not thin enough, are too thin, not worthy of love just to name a few.  These tapes too were recorded over years of messages that we were both told and reinforced by repeating them to ourselves.


I am no exception to these tapes.  Some days I feel that I have more then my fair share.  I am an out and proud Trans woman.  I make little to no excuses or apologies for this fact.  If you were to meet me in person you might see why.  I stand six foot pulse feet tall, have multicolored hair and weigh north of 250 lbs.  It say that I do not blend into a crowd might be an understatement.  I am becoming more and more comfortable in my beautiful trans skin everyday.  This does not mean that these tapes do not still gut me whenever they play through my head.


There is not a day that doesn’t go by that I have to force myself to try and stop them.  These tapes tell me that I am not woman enough, I am not valid enough, I am a fraud.  Those are just the collections of bad tapes that I have around my gender.  There are also the bad tapes I have around love and relationships.  These tell me that I am not lovable, that I am far too broken for anyone to even bother with, and that those who are in my life are just too kind to tell me that they are really sick of me and are just looking for the right time to leave.  So yes, I understand bad tape.


Now that we have identified what these tapes are what the fuck do we do with it?  The biggest thing I can say is that we need to critically look at the messages that they are telling us.  We need to find out where we heard these messages and where they were recorded. This means we have to do some very heavy emotional lifting.  I am sorry my sweet starlings, this is not going to be easy or fun for the most part.  Fuck it! This is going to downright suck for most of it.  I am sorry but I will never lie to any of you.  This is just a hard truth.


There can be a silver lining for many of us though.  There are people out there who are more than willing to help you though these tapes.  These people can be trusted friends, safe family members or even therapists.  I have used two of the three of that list to start to work on my “fuckery playlist” as I have come to call it.  I am lucky enough to have friends and partners that are willing to help me work through these messages.  This was shown when I had a case of ambush dysphoria the other night and my partner all but read me the riot act for allowing these tapes to play at full volume.  (Sometime I need that tough love.)  Another time I was talking to a dear friend about how the tape that was playing through my head about not being lovable et al.  They loved me enough to simply tell me, “Lilith, chill the fuck out and know it the fuck off.  You are loved and worthy of love.”


I know that not everyone has people in their lives that they can turn to.  This is where a trauma trained and compassionate therapist can value their weight in whatever their fee is. I have had the opportunity to work with both ends of the spectrum of therapists.  I have seen ones that have been amazing then I have seen ones that I left thinking, “fuck I did more their mental health then they did for mine.”  I will pass this word of advice when you are looking for a therapist.  PLEASE feel free to not be committed one after one meeting.  Think of it like dating (stick with me here).  Just because you went on one date with a person, it does not mean that you are committed to them for the rest of your life.  The same goes with therapists.  If you see a therapist a few times and it just doesn’t seem like it is working for a number of reasons, do not feel bad about moving on.  A word of caution though, PLEASE DO NOT leave a shrink just because they are making you face the things that are hard to look at.  I have done this and I am not proud of that fact.  Now if they are not respecting boundaries and pushing you far to hard or far to much further then you are truly ready to go…RUN BITCH RUN! 😉


There is a universal silver lining here my sweet starlings.  That is that you learned these messages that are on these tapes so that means that you can unlearn them too.  Ok it will suck.  I said that before and I will say it again.  What I will add here is this simple and true fact.  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU EVEN KNOW!!!!   You have made it this far.  You have made it through some truly horrible shit in your life.  You are a warrior even if you do not believe it.  I know that for a fact and I will tell you that until I no longer have breath in my chest.  You are stronger than you know, more brilliant than you think and more amazing then you will ever admit to yourself.  That is why I am here my starlings, I will be your cheerleader when you need it.  I will also be that highly polished boot in your ass when you need it.  That is what we are here to do for each other.


I want you to walk away from these posts with the knowledge that you can do this if you want to.  I know that you are scared and that is ok.  I know that you most likely think that you can not do this and that is normal.  I know all this is true because it is what I have seen in so many people throughout my life.  Know that you can and will change what you want to change.  Know that you can and will grow from all these trials that you will have to face to rewrite these bad tapes.  Know that Lady Lylith always has your back and will always be cheering for you.  Now go out there and do the thing.  You got this my amazing starlings!




Another Week Down

Hello all.  I am sorry for the late posting.  We have survived yet another week of this crazy shit.  As for me this week has been busy and not much has changed.  I have found myself diving headlong into my work.  There have been several process changes that have been put into place for both the protection of the patients and staff.  This has been a learning experience for all the staff.   I will say this, the staff of the clinic is amazing.  I am so lucky to work with such great people.

For now, not much has changed in my other day to day.  The order to “stay home” came down this week.  This means that we, as a state, should stay in or around our homes unless we absolutely have to.  Being a person that I am considered “essential” I literally have paperwork saying that I am able to go out and about.  It is fucking surreal.

I am not sure what this next week will look like.  I know that I am working as many hours as I can.  (Hell, what else do I have to do).  I have started a few new projects to keep me busy, when I have the energy.  I have found myself being completely drained at the end of each day so I am not sure when I will get these projects truly off the ground.  Fear not, I will tell everyone when these projects go live.

I hope that everyone is keeping their spirits up and their heads held high.  We will get through this.  I promise you. This will pass.  What I am holding my breath about is what will the world look like after all this is over?  I hope that this will change the world for the better.



Calling Out into the World

What a strange and scary world we are living in right now.  As you see I have decided to reopen this blog for the time being.  I am not sure how long I will keep this up but I will do it as long as it keeps me busy and brings me joy.

So in the well over a year since I posted a lot has happened.  Relationships have ended and started.  I have had the first stage of my chest reconstruction (which I will go into more about later).  I started and left a job.  My bottom surgery has been on the books and then off because of the COVID.  Life is in flux.

I have started a D/s and romantic relationship with an amazing girl we will call BG because she is my baby girl. We have a 24/7, low protocol Caregiver/little relationship.  We met on Facebook and have been together for well over 6 months.  She is amazing.  We are looking at starting a podcast in the near future so please look for it in the future.  Don’t worry.  I will let you know when it is up.

In the beginning of February I had phase one of my top surgery.  We are doing it in phases because of the size of chest I am going for.  For phase one we place tissue expanders in.  The plan was to expand the tissue over a few months then go back in and place the implants.  With the pandemic going on, all “elective” surgeries have been cancelled until this passes.  What sucks is that I have no idea when that will be.  This has been a huge stressor to me but, with the help of D and BG I am getting through.

Back in October, I started a new position at another sexual health clinic.  This was a dream job for me.  I had always wanted to work for this clinic even before I started working as an RN.  Well, do you remember that old saying that you should watch what you wish for?  It is so true.  The job turned out to be a nightmare. There was no training program in place.  Some of the staff were colder to me then the Minnesota winters and no matter what I did it was wrong.  To say that I was set up to fail would be an understatement.  The crazy thing is that when I put my notice in, they admitted as such.  So I am back at my original clinic and loving it.  See people, the grass is not greener, it is just different.

I also spent the last year jumping through all the gatekeeping hoops to get my bottom surgery.  This was huge.  Several doctors, shrinks, and letters later, I had my preauth from the insurance company.  I even had a rough timeline for the surgery.  Then the pandemic happened.  Once again this surgery was deemed “elective” and now it is limbo.  I am not sure what is going to happen with my preauth that runs out at the end of the year.  Most people who do not know how it works would just say, “Hunny just have them do it again next year if it runs out.”  The thing is to get this preauth I need two letters of support that are less than 12 months old.  This is what happened the first time.  I had already had the letters of support 24 months ago but they were 13 months old at the time of submitting them, I needed to find new mental health professionals to write me whole new letters. So here is where my worry starts to build.  If this surgery is pushed to after the new year will I need to get all new letters and start over yet again?  Fuck I hope not.

So that is my life in a nutshell.  I will be posting weekly from here on out until this ends and hopefully beyond.  Thank you for reading this and I hope you are all safe and well.




Poly, Kink F*CKERY (semi NSFW)

This post will be kind of NSFW.  I will be talking about sex and kink.  So if this is a topic that is not your speed, thanks for stopping by and we will see you later.

Another month has gone by and I have been in a kind of writing hibernation.  I think it was because I was fighting writing a post like this.  I am not sure why.  I talk about this stuff all day at work, well safer sex and such at least.  For those who know me IRL you know that I am an open book on most ever single part of my life.  I mean every part.  I have no problem talking about sex, kink, and all that is out there.  So why is it that I was so reluctant to talk about it here on my blog?  I think that it might be because I know that there are those of you that read this that I do not talk about these things with.  Not because I am afraid to but because they are things that I just do not talk about.  Hell my mother reads this blog from time to time.  (Hi Mom!)

So why am I writing this now then?  Self-convection.  I have been preaching radical venerability on my blog for some time and here I am holding back.  Bad Karissa! I am sorry.  So here it is.

I am a kinky, poly trans woman.  There I said it.  You know something?  It feels damn good to have said it aloud.  I am very fortunate that I have people in my life that support and love me. Not in spite of these facts but because of them.  I have been seeing a great woman; we will call her M, for over six months and things are great.  D and I are still married and yes he knows.  Please see the poly part if you do not understand.  Things are not always 100% amazing between M and I, but that is all part of a relationship.  Yes people, I am not always the easiest person to be with.  Please pick your jaws up off the floor.

As I said I am also kinky. This means, for me, that I find joy outside what most people would call “normal”.  I identify as a Switch.  This means that I feel comfortable dominating as well as submitting to certain people. For years I thought I was a dyed in the wool sub.  I have found that as my transition as progressed, my Dominant side has started to come more and more to the surface.  I have been in and out of the kink scene for the last 15 years.  I call myself a service Switch because at the heart of whatever I do, be it in a Dom or sub role, service is my focus.

As a sub, I truly love the feeling of a power exchange.  This means that I willingly give up my power and personal antinomy to the person that I am serving.  I find that by doing this I find freedom and a joy that I can not find in other places. By submitting the authority of the Domme (Domme is a female identified Dom), I am free to serve and be taking care of in a way that I am not able to do in the vanilla (non kink) world.

As a Domme role, I am still trying to find my legs.  I have only been in that role a very few times and most of them were pre transition. For the times that I have been the Domme recently, I will say that I loved the power and validation that I felt controlling my sub and the joy on their face that they had by serving my wants and me.

I know that for many, the only exposer to BDsm is from that shit, the 50 Shades series.  That is a VERY POOR example of what most people who are into the scene would even conceder BDsm.  That being said I am trying to not shame anyone who thinks that is what they want.  What might me your kink might not be mine.  And that is ok!   For those who only think of BDsm and kink as whips and chains, I will tell you that it is so much more.  Do not get me wrong, that CAN be part of it and for me it is.  There are those of you who are reading this that know that first hand (and thank you again for your amazing work).  BDsm and kink can be anyting from simple words, power exchange, spanking to service (cleaning, cooking etc.).  Kink and BDsm is what you make it.  Myself, I love to serve those I am playing with.  I live for “good girl’s” when I am in subspaces.  I love “yes Ma’am’s”, “please Ma’am’s” and “thank you Ma’am’s” when I am in Domme spaces. These are the things that fuel me and fill me soul.

Kink and BDsm do not have to be sexual, though they can be…AND THAT IS 100% FINE!!!  For me, I am mostly a non-sexual Domme and semi-sexual sub. I will “torment” my sub to the point of orgasm, then take it away, over and over again.  I will use my riding crop on places that will make the vanilla person squirm with terror and the kinky person squirm with antici…….pation.

The biggest think that these things all need to do this correctly it a single thing.  That is enthustic consent.  Not an “I guess” or a “Maybe” but a “FUCK YEA!”  Without that, it is no more then abuse, in my not so humble opinion.  Without consent you are willingly harming someone that does not want it.  Without consent you are degrading someone who did not ask, yes literally ask, for it.  Without consent you are not a Dom you are an ASSHOLE!

So folks this is me in all my kinky, poly and beautifulness.  Older versions of me would beg you to accept me for being this way. Older versions of me would ask you to love me in spite of theses things.  Not any more.  If these parts of me make me unpalatable to you or disgust you, then that is your issue and not mine.  I will no longer beg for the love from the unwilling or acceptance from the unaccepting. This is me.  Take me or leave me.  All of me, or none of me.  Those are my terms.



Finally a Transition Related Post (NSFW)

I want to start by saying that this post may not be safe for work because of what you would read and/or see.  I will be talking about genital reconstruction surgery today.  Yes that is right, finally a post about transition. So if you are in a place that this might get you in some hot water I want you to bail now until you are a place where you can read this please do.  Here is as picture of a kitty to give you some space and time.


Ok now that you are this far I am going to say that you are in this for the long haul.  So welcome!

In less then 10 day at the time of writing this I will be stating my bottom surgery journey in earnest. I will have not one but two meetings with medical staff about the process.  The first will be with the team at the University of Minnesota and the second will be with the team at the Mayo.  Both teams are highly regarded and highly accomplished.  I will not be their first patient and nowhere their last. Both have great appeal and draw for me.

So what is it that I am going to have done.  This is where things are going to get technical so I will try to break it down.  I will be having vaginoplasty and possible breast augmentation.  You might be thinking, “That is cool…WTF dose that mean?”  in short I will be have gender confirmation surgery.  I will be having a vagina constructed from the material that I currently.  At the end of the day my genitals will look no different from anyone woman who was born with a vagina.  I have linked a video from YouTube that walks through how that is done.  This is a computer animation so there is no blood or gore.  If you want to see that you can look it up on your own.  The basic breakdown is that they will remove my gonads, invert my penis to create the vaginal vault and fashion a clit out the glands.  The recovery time is right around a few months before I am back to 100% of myself but not better and complete.

Some of you are going to ask why and I doing this?  Why would I put myself through this and risk all that comes with major surgery for something that may seem so vane.  The answer is actually rather simple.  It is because I need this to help me feel complete.  I find it interesting how some people can look something like this and think that this is based in pure vanity.  I am doing this because I have gotten to a point that when I look in the mirror, when I get dressed, when I go to the bathroom I am confronted with something that does not fit.  Like having a extra foot where my ankle should be or third ear growing from where my thumb should be. Yes it may work as a foot or ear should but it just not what should be there.  By getting this surgery I will be able to correct this issue.

To say that I am excited would be an understatement and not a complete picture.  There is fear and doubt that is there also.  This is radical venerability here folks.  I am so excited that I will finally be whole and complete in a physical sense.  I will not have to worry how I look in my clothing.  I will not have to worry if I am showing in my lap that could signal to those that I am not really who I am.  I will be able to go to the bathroom without a pang of dysphoria every time.

The fear is about going under the knife.  With all surgeries there is risk.  This is a given.  There is a far outside chance that once I go under that I may not ever come back. I could die right there on the table.  I know that the chances of this are so slim and about as likely as me hitting the Powerball but they are still there.

This is also where my small amount of doubt happens to pop its head into the conversation.  Do I really want to do this.  This is not something that can be undone once done. This is truly life changing.  I think that this is normal.  These are the same thoughts that I had when I had my weight loss sugary.  To these thoughts, both then and now, I answer with s very strong “Fuck Yes.”  As with my WLS it was a matter of quality of life and maybe the difference of living till I am 45 and 85.  If I keep thing the way they are I know that there will come a point that the dysphoria will get so bad that I will not be able to take it anymore.  I want to not only live but live my life fully as I know I should be.

As I close I will add the video that I promessed and leave with these words.  I am whole as I am but am not complete.  I need to see this to its end.  It is at that point where I will be both.



Short and Bitter Sweet.

Blink! Blink! Blink! The cursor on my screen just blinks at me.  She is daring me me write something.  To create something that is great.  She mocks me. She knows that in this staring match I am to real opponent.  She knows that She will be there long after I blink and fold.  Damn you!

If you have not figured it out I am currently struggling with writers block.  Before you get all “Karissa you are writing this so you must be doing something !”  While this is true I have several started and half started stories and novels that live in their incomplete state on my hard drive.

What I am having issue with it that I am blocked.  Not just with my writing but in my life as well.  I have allowed outside sources to negativity effect my perception of so much in my life.  I have those who want me to fail.  I have those who want me to stay.  I have those who want me to leave.  All of these people make good points.  That is what makes it so hard.  If they had arguments that had more holes in it then really good Swiss I would be able to blow them off.

So what does that mean for the future and me?  How can work over and through this block? How can I find a way to come out on top? These are the million-dollar question. I thing that all I can do is fix a point on the horizon, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving until I get through this.  I might need some help along the way but I will get there.  I hope.

I am sorry for the short post today.  I will write more as I work through this.



Change and Fear

Here is another blog post about the fear of change.  Yes I know that I have covered this topic ad nausea but here I still am.  If you decide that you are sick of me going on and on about this topic please free to skip this entry.  I will not have any hurt feelings or ill will toward any of you that do so.  Thank you for at least stopping by.

On to the show as they say. So change.  As I have covered in so many posts before, it can be terrifying. Right now I am in the middle of it. So that just means that me terror level, to steal from SpinalTap, is at an 11.  I will not go into what changes are being made or about to be made in my life right now.  I will save that for another post when I am not in the middle of all the shit.  I will say that there are some very huge and life altering decisions that will cause huge changes in my life that need to be made and soon.

Why are we, as a people of this spinning blue-green rock, so afraid of change?  I think that it is because it forces us to move from a place of comfort into a place of unknown.  With the unknown comes fear of it.  Some people out there, probably many of you reading this right now, thrive in this fear.  It can be exciting.  It can be exhilarating.  It can bring greater meaning to someone’s life.  For the rest of us the unknown is a place of abject horror.  It is what keeps us up at night.  It makes us paralyzed and stuck in the place we are at.  We are almost helpless against it.

Never the less change happens.  It needs to happen.  Change means movement. Like the sharks of the great ocean, with out movement we die.  This can be both a physical as well as emotional death.  Despite this overwhelming truth, I find myself fighting against change.  I mean fighting tooth and nail against it.  I have stayed in jobs, homes, relationships and so much more because I thought the hell I knew was better then the one I did not.  The grass was not greener it was lava and one fire and poison and bad.

Right now I am facing changes that will not just affect me, but several people whom I love.  That is part of the reason why I am so cautious about making these changes.  That is why I am not running into these changes link some wild person.  I just need to temper my caution so that I do not allow it to drift into inaction.  I know that I have done this in the past and not that long ago.  Think days and weeks and not months or years ago.  This is my largest problem with facing change.  This is where I need to work the hardest.  I am trying I promise!

So what about you my most amazing readers?  How do you feel about and handle change?  Do you run headlong into it with the joy of new discovery or do you fall back out of the fear of the unknown?  Do you like how you react to change?  Is it healthy?

Thanks for reading and being part of this community!  I love you all!





YiR Post!!! Look at 2018 and a bit into 2019

Happy New Year Everyone! I guess this is the obligatory EotY reflection and planning blog.  So here we go!

This year has been huge for me.  It was the first full calendar year that I have lived as my true self.  It was the year that I finished nursing school.  It was the year that I reached a breaking point and ended up in the hospital for it.  It was the year that I found my relationship style to be Poly and unashamedly so.  It was the year that I have found that being happy and well HAS TO BE the most important thing in my life if I am going to be able to survive.  So to say that it was a huge year would be correct.

In this first full calendar year that I have lived as my true self I have started to find that thing that makes me the woman that I am.  I am finding that I am a soft butch, semi to med fem lesbian.  I have found that my style is someone where between super hippy chick and biker bitch.  I love to look pretty and get dolled up for a night out and still find comfort getting on my Road King and burn a tank or two.  I love the fact that I am finding that I am just a valid as a woman is becoming less and less dependent on how I am seen in the world.  This is not to day that I do not fight dysphoria almost daily. Dysphoria is a motherfucher and can die in a fucking fire!!!  I am just seeing that I am able to work through it better.

Now that school is over I have found a great job where they feel that I am doing great!  I still feel like I am lost somewhere in the sauce. This is normal, I have been told, with any new job but I am still feeling the feels around this.  On the Brightside I have not brokedown at work at all. At home, that is another thing all together but that is not the point.  I love my job and the fact that I get to talk about sex and reproductive health all day is so cool.

After I finished school and took my NCLEX I was at a low like I had not felt is several years.  It was so bad that after some choices I made I ended up in the hospital for 5 days.  I will not go into what I did and exactly what lead up to them here.  If you want to know please go back and read the blogs I posted about that time in my year.  What I have found is that I have got myself to a point that the only way to go is up.  I have been able to start to rebuild my life and shape it into the world that I want to live in.  I know that there are times still that my live is harder then I think that I can stand. In these moments I find that if I just keep focusing on the next step then the next one I can get through it.

I have been truly blessed with relationships in my life this year that have shaped me and given me so much joy.  Thank you M and thanks your S for all your love, compassion and care.  Thank you D for being sweet and letting me spread my wings. I love you all so very much.

So what is on the docket for this next year?  I will be having GRS (genital reconstruction surgery) this year.  I will be going back to school (I hope) this fall.  I will be planning a SHT trip this fall.  I will be able to be my best and most authentic self I can. As for the rest of the year, I have no idea.  It is a mystery, and one that I can not wait to solve!




Xmas Survival Tips!

It is that time of year again.  The snow is trying to fall.  The hate group is out begging for money in their little red kettles.  The time of year that people feel the need to come together to make their family uncomfortable and spend time with the people that they have avoided the last 12 or so months.  Yep it is Xmas time.  This means that you will most likely be asked to (read forced to) spend time with family that you have been trying to not see.  It will be ok.

I have decided to post today about some holiday survival tips for those of you out there who feel that time with their family is second only to getting an exploratory brain biopsy done by their dentist, but only just.  I will go over 4-5 tips that you can use to get through this.  Don’t worry you WILL get through this.  I promise.

First, do not go. When you get that call that is there is the family Xmas party, say no.  I know that you are thinking that if it were that easy then you would just do it. You are thinking that you HAVE to go because you will disappoint family or worse.  You might think that the drama of saying “No” is worse then saying yes. I can not tell you that there will not be hurt feelings or no drama from this choice.  I want to ask you a quick question though.  At what cost are you willing to pay to stave off these things. Is it worth the week(s) that it will take you to get over the time you spend with your family?  Is it worth the tears that you will cry from the million tiny jabs “in fun” at your expense?  What cost are you willing to pay?  I want to tell you right now you have my permission to say no.  You have my permission and support to choose you and your own mental health this Xmas season.

Second, time limits. This has worked for me in the past when I HAD to be somewhere I did not want to be.  So you HAVE to be there or Aunt June will be crushed and this might be her last Xmas.  Ok fine! Set a hard time limit.  30 mins, 60 mins, whatever.  Hell set a timer on your phone if you have to.  This way you can say you were there.  The family might not be super happy that you have to go but you at least tried right.

Next, have a partner in crime.  This could be a spouse, a friend, a lover or hell even a sibling.  Have a signal set up before hand.  When you are getting to the point that you can not take it anymore give your PiC the signal and they can swoop into the rescue.  They can say that you are needed in the kitchen.  They can deflect Uncle Roy and his off color jokes. They can just hold your had (physically or emotionally) when you need it.  This tip can save you from so much more then just the family Xmas.  Use this one year round.

Fourth, the “Emergency Call”.  This one might take some pre planning.  With how available everyone is with cell phones this is slick.  Talk to your friend that is not going to be at the party/function.  Tell them that if you text them during the time you are at the thing to call you that second.  Make sure your phone is not on silent for this call.  Make a small show of the call.  Your dog is sick.  Your house alarm just went off and they need you to be there.  You just won a million dollars from a Nigerian Prince.  It matters little what the “emergency” is.  It only matters that you have to leave RIGHT THEN to deal with it.

Lastly, Breathe.  This may sound stupid.  This may sound simple.  It is.  I am not going to lie.  It is one of those tips that are so simple that it actuly works.  Your mom getting on you about when you are going to finish school/have kids/get married/etc? Deep breath, ground your self and let it pass. It may take some practice but you can do it.

I know that for many, the thought of drinking to numb the anxiety seems like a good option.  I caution against this one.  Please listen, I speak from experience here.  Alcohol can let you relax a bit BUT maybe too much.  There is a very fine line between being relaxed and being so relaxed that you tell your sibling that you really think of their kids or telling Uncle Bob what you think if his voting record. Also there is the chance that you could swing your emotions to the other extreme.  You could end up bawling in a rest room or the dinner table over something that was or was not said.  If you choose to use this method PLEASE DO SO WITH CATUION!!

Ok my amazing readers. Those are my tips to get through this holiday season.  I know that you can do this.  I have nothing but faith in you!


A Change (Of Clothes) Can Do You Good.

Do you have that set of clothes that make you feel like yourself?  Do you have that one blouse or skirt or jeans or hoodie that, when you put it on, makes you feel that all is right in the world?  For me it is my scrubs.

I have been in classroom training for the last week.  This meant that I was in a business casual dress code.  While I was able to make what I had to wear work, I felt like I was in some odd place that I did not really fit.  I am talking about clothing only.  The organization that I am now with is amazing at making all of us feel welcome and part of the family.  I am talking like I felt like I was just not my full emotional self.

This week we are starting to actually work more of a clinic mode.  This means scrubs.  I put my new scrubs (I had to change colors…THANK GODDESS) this morning and felt so good.  It felt like I came home from a long trip.  I was happy.

So what does that say about us (and me specifically)?  Well, I think there is a someone complex answer to that question.  For myself, I spent the last +8 years wearing nothing but scrubs when I was at work.  In those eight years I got to a place where I knew my job backwards and forwards.  I was the go to for so many that I felt comfortable.  I think some of that feeling transferred to the idea of wearing scrubs.

When I was in business casual clothing, I felt the full realness of my newness.  I felt how much I did not know what was going on.  When I then put scrubs on, the comfort and confidence from my past job was able to be harnessed in part.  The scrubs meant that I would be doing patient care.  This is something that I know and feel good about doing.

Patient care is in my blood and when I am able to help people I feel whole.  My mind and body knows that when I am in my scrubs I am about to do that.  I feel that, now that I am in the right uniform, I am about to do what I am trained (and all but born) for.  I found myself breathing easier and felt my shoulders relax a bit.

Please do not misunderstand me here.  I know that i have a crap-ton of shit I need to learn in this new job to get anywhere near the proficiency of my last one.  I know that I am doing a whole new level patient care.  What I am saying is that I now feel that I am able to do what fills me the most with joy.  That is helping people.

What about you?  Is there a thing that you have that makes you feel like you?  Is there something that you put on that makes your feel like that you have come home? Let me and everyone know on the FB group?