Poly, Kink F*CKERY (semi NSFW)

This post will be kind of NSFW.  I will be talking about sex and kink.  So if this is a topic that is not your speed, thanks for stopping by and we will see you later.

Another month has gone by and I have been in a kind of writing hibernation.  I think it was because I was fighting writing a post like this.  I am not sure why.  I talk about this stuff all day at work, well safer sex and such at least.  For those who know me IRL you know that I am an open book on most ever single part of my life.  I mean every part.  I have no problem talking about sex, kink, and all that is out there.  So why is it that I was so reluctant to talk about it here on my blog?  I think that it might be because I know that there are those of you that read this that I do not talk about these things with.  Not because I am afraid to but because they are things that I just do not talk about.  Hell my mother reads this blog from time to time.  (Hi Mom!)

So why am I writing this now then?  Self-convection.  I have been preaching radical venerability on my blog for some time and here I am holding back.  Bad Karissa! I am sorry.  So here it is.

I am a kinky, poly trans woman.  There I said it.  You know something?  It feels damn good to have said it aloud.  I am very fortunate that I have people in my life that support and love me. Not in spite of these facts but because of them.  I have been seeing a great woman; we will call her M, for over six months and things are great.  D and I are still married and yes he knows.  Please see the poly part if you do not understand.  Things are not always 100% amazing between M and I, but that is all part of a relationship.  Yes people, I am not always the easiest person to be with.  Please pick your jaws up off the floor.

As I said I am also kinky. This means, for me, that I find joy outside what most people would call “normal”.  I identify as a Switch.  This means that I feel comfortable dominating as well as submitting to certain people. For years I thought I was a dyed in the wool sub.  I have found that as my transition as progressed, my Dominant side has started to come more and more to the surface.  I have been in and out of the kink scene for the last 15 years.  I call myself a service Switch because at the heart of whatever I do, be it in a Dom or sub role, service is my focus.

As a sub, I truly love the feeling of a power exchange.  This means that I willingly give up my power and personal antinomy to the person that I am serving.  I find that by doing this I find freedom and a joy that I can not find in other places. By submitting the authority of the Domme (Domme is a female identified Dom), I am free to serve and be taking care of in a way that I am not able to do in the vanilla (non kink) world.

As a Domme role, I am still trying to find my legs.  I have only been in that role a very few times and most of them were pre transition. For the times that I have been the Domme recently, I will say that I loved the power and validation that I felt controlling my sub and the joy on their face that they had by serving my wants and me.

I know that for many, the only exposer to BDsm is from that shit, the 50 Shades series.  That is a VERY POOR example of what most people who are into the scene would even conceder BDsm.  That being said I am trying to not shame anyone who thinks that is what they want.  What might me your kink might not be mine.  And that is ok!   For those who only think of BDsm and kink as whips and chains, I will tell you that it is so much more.  Do not get me wrong, that CAN be part of it and for me it is.  There are those of you who are reading this that know that first hand (and thank you again for your amazing work).  BDsm and kink can be anyting from simple words, power exchange, spanking to service (cleaning, cooking etc.).  Kink and BDsm is what you make it.  Myself, I love to serve those I am playing with.  I live for “good girl’s” when I am in subspaces.  I love “yes Ma’am’s”, “please Ma’am’s” and “thank you Ma’am’s” when I am in Domme spaces. These are the things that fuel me and fill me soul.

Kink and BDsm do not have to be sexual, though they can be…AND THAT IS 100% FINE!!!  For me, I am mostly a non-sexual Domme and semi-sexual sub. I will “torment” my sub to the point of orgasm, then take it away, over and over again.  I will use my riding crop on places that will make the vanilla person squirm with terror and the kinky person squirm with antici…….pation.

The biggest think that these things all need to do this correctly it a single thing.  That is enthustic consent.  Not an “I guess” or a “Maybe” but a “FUCK YEA!”  Without that, it is no more then abuse, in my not so humble opinion.  Without consent you are willingly harming someone that does not want it.  Without consent you are degrading someone who did not ask, yes literally ask, for it.  Without consent you are not a Dom you are an ASSHOLE!

So folks this is me in all my kinky, poly and beautifulness.  Older versions of me would beg you to accept me for being this way. Older versions of me would ask you to love me in spite of theses things.  Not any more.  If these parts of me make me unpalatable to you or disgust you, then that is your issue and not mine.  I will no longer beg for the love from the unwilling or acceptance from the unaccepting. This is me.  Take me or leave me.  All of me, or none of me.  Those are my terms.

Cheers!

KJD

Finally a Transition Related Post (NSFW)

I want to start by saying that this post may not be safe for work because of what you would read and/or see.  I will be talking about genital reconstruction surgery today.  Yes that is right, finally a post about transition. So if you are in a place that this might get you in some hot water I want you to bail now until you are a place where you can read this please do.  Here is as picture of a kitty to give you some space and time.

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Ok now that you are this far I am going to say that you are in this for the long haul.  So welcome!

In less then 10 day at the time of writing this I will be stating my bottom surgery journey in earnest. I will have not one but two meetings with medical staff about the process.  The first will be with the team at the University of Minnesota and the second will be with the team at the Mayo.  Both teams are highly regarded and highly accomplished.  I will not be their first patient and nowhere their last. Both have great appeal and draw for me.

So what is it that I am going to have done.  This is where things are going to get technical so I will try to break it down.  I will be having vaginoplasty and possible breast augmentation.  You might be thinking, “That is cool…WTF dose that mean?”  in short I will be have gender confirmation surgery.  I will be having a vagina constructed from the material that I currently.  At the end of the day my genitals will look no different from anyone woman who was born with a vagina.  I have linked a video from YouTube that walks through how that is done.  This is a computer animation so there is no blood or gore.  If you want to see that you can look it up on your own.  The basic breakdown is that they will remove my gonads, invert my penis to create the vaginal vault and fashion a clit out the glands.  The recovery time is right around a few months before I am back to 100% of myself but not better and complete.

Some of you are going to ask why and I doing this?  Why would I put myself through this and risk all that comes with major surgery for something that may seem so vane.  The answer is actually rather simple.  It is because I need this to help me feel complete.  I find it interesting how some people can look something like this and think that this is based in pure vanity.  I am doing this because I have gotten to a point that when I look in the mirror, when I get dressed, when I go to the bathroom I am confronted with something that does not fit.  Like having a extra foot where my ankle should be or third ear growing from where my thumb should be. Yes it may work as a foot or ear should but it just not what should be there.  By getting this surgery I will be able to correct this issue.

To say that I am excited would be an understatement and not a complete picture.  There is fear and doubt that is there also.  This is radical venerability here folks.  I am so excited that I will finally be whole and complete in a physical sense.  I will not have to worry how I look in my clothing.  I will not have to worry if I am showing in my lap that could signal to those that I am not really who I am.  I will be able to go to the bathroom without a pang of dysphoria every time.

The fear is about going under the knife.  With all surgeries there is risk.  This is a given.  There is a far outside chance that once I go under that I may not ever come back. I could die right there on the table.  I know that the chances of this are so slim and about as likely as me hitting the Powerball but they are still there.

This is also where my small amount of doubt happens to pop its head into the conversation.  Do I really want to do this.  This is not something that can be undone once done. This is truly life changing.  I think that this is normal.  These are the same thoughts that I had when I had my weight loss sugary.  To these thoughts, both then and now, I answer with s very strong “Fuck Yes.”  As with my WLS it was a matter of quality of life and maybe the difference of living till I am 45 and 85.  If I keep thing the way they are I know that there will come a point that the dysphoria will get so bad that I will not be able to take it anymore.  I want to not only live but live my life fully as I know I should be.

As I close I will add the video that I promessed and leave with these words.  I am whole as I am but am not complete.  I need to see this to its end.  It is at that point where I will be both.

Cheers!

KJD

Short and Bitter Sweet.

Blink! Blink! Blink! The cursor on my screen just blinks at me.  She is daring me me write something.  To create something that is great.  She mocks me. She knows that in this staring match I am to real opponent.  She knows that She will be there long after I blink and fold.  Damn you!

If you have not figured it out I am currently struggling with writers block.  Before you get all “Karissa you are writing this so you must be doing something !”  While this is true I have several started and half started stories and novels that live in their incomplete state on my hard drive.

What I am having issue with it that I am blocked.  Not just with my writing but in my life as well.  I have allowed outside sources to negativity effect my perception of so much in my life.  I have those who want me to fail.  I have those who want me to stay.  I have those who want me to leave.  All of these people make good points.  That is what makes it so hard.  If they had arguments that had more holes in it then really good Swiss I would be able to blow them off.

So what does that mean for the future and me?  How can work over and through this block? How can I find a way to come out on top? These are the million-dollar question. I thing that all I can do is fix a point on the horizon, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving until I get through this.  I might need some help along the way but I will get there.  I hope.

I am sorry for the short post today.  I will write more as I work through this.

Cheers!

KJD

Change and Fear

Here is another blog post about the fear of change.  Yes I know that I have covered this topic ad nausea but here I still am.  If you decide that you are sick of me going on and on about this topic please free to skip this entry.  I will not have any hurt feelings or ill will toward any of you that do so.  Thank you for at least stopping by.

On to the show as they say. So change.  As I have covered in so many posts before, it can be terrifying. Right now I am in the middle of it. So that just means that me terror level, to steal from SpinalTap, is at an 11.  I will not go into what changes are being made or about to be made in my life right now.  I will save that for another post when I am not in the middle of all the shit.  I will say that there are some very huge and life altering decisions that will cause huge changes in my life that need to be made and soon.

Why are we, as a people of this spinning blue-green rock, so afraid of change?  I think that it is because it forces us to move from a place of comfort into a place of unknown.  With the unknown comes fear of it.  Some people out there, probably many of you reading this right now, thrive in this fear.  It can be exciting.  It can be exhilarating.  It can bring greater meaning to someone’s life.  For the rest of us the unknown is a place of abject horror.  It is what keeps us up at night.  It makes us paralyzed and stuck in the place we are at.  We are almost helpless against it.

Never the less change happens.  It needs to happen.  Change means movement. Like the sharks of the great ocean, with out movement we die.  This can be both a physical as well as emotional death.  Despite this overwhelming truth, I find myself fighting against change.  I mean fighting tooth and nail against it.  I have stayed in jobs, homes, relationships and so much more because I thought the hell I knew was better then the one I did not.  The grass was not greener it was lava and one fire and poison and bad.

Right now I am facing changes that will not just affect me, but several people whom I love.  That is part of the reason why I am so cautious about making these changes.  That is why I am not running into these changes link some wild person.  I just need to temper my caution so that I do not allow it to drift into inaction.  I know that I have done this in the past and not that long ago.  Think days and weeks and not months or years ago.  This is my largest problem with facing change.  This is where I need to work the hardest.  I am trying I promise!

So what about you my most amazing readers?  How do you feel about and handle change?  Do you run headlong into it with the joy of new discovery or do you fall back out of the fear of the unknown?  Do you like how you react to change?  Is it healthy?

Thanks for reading and being part of this community!  I love you all!

Cheers!

KJD

 

 

YiR Post!!! Look at 2018 and a bit into 2019

Happy New Year Everyone! I guess this is the obligatory EotY reflection and planning blog.  So here we go!

This year has been huge for me.  It was the first full calendar year that I have lived as my true self.  It was the year that I finished nursing school.  It was the year that I reached a breaking point and ended up in the hospital for it.  It was the year that I found my relationship style to be Poly and unashamedly so.  It was the year that I have found that being happy and well HAS TO BE the most important thing in my life if I am going to be able to survive.  So to say that it was a huge year would be correct.

In this first full calendar year that I have lived as my true self I have started to find that thing that makes me the woman that I am.  I am finding that I am a soft butch, semi to med fem lesbian.  I have found that my style is someone where between super hippy chick and biker bitch.  I love to look pretty and get dolled up for a night out and still find comfort getting on my Road King and burn a tank or two.  I love the fact that I am finding that I am just a valid as a woman is becoming less and less dependent on how I am seen in the world.  This is not to day that I do not fight dysphoria almost daily. Dysphoria is a motherfucher and can die in a fucking fire!!!  I am just seeing that I am able to work through it better.

Now that school is over I have found a great job where they feel that I am doing great!  I still feel like I am lost somewhere in the sauce. This is normal, I have been told, with any new job but I am still feeling the feels around this.  On the Brightside I have not brokedown at work at all. At home, that is another thing all together but that is not the point.  I love my job and the fact that I get to talk about sex and reproductive health all day is so cool.

After I finished school and took my NCLEX I was at a low like I had not felt is several years.  It was so bad that after some choices I made I ended up in the hospital for 5 days.  I will not go into what I did and exactly what lead up to them here.  If you want to know please go back and read the blogs I posted about that time in my year.  What I have found is that I have got myself to a point that the only way to go is up.  I have been able to start to rebuild my life and shape it into the world that I want to live in.  I know that there are times still that my live is harder then I think that I can stand. In these moments I find that if I just keep focusing on the next step then the next one I can get through it.

I have been truly blessed with relationships in my life this year that have shaped me and given me so much joy.  Thank you M and thanks your S for all your love, compassion and care.  Thank you D for being sweet and letting me spread my wings. I love you all so very much.

So what is on the docket for this next year?  I will be having GRS (genital reconstruction surgery) this year.  I will be going back to school (I hope) this fall.  I will be planning a SHT trip this fall.  I will be able to be my best and most authentic self I can. As for the rest of the year, I have no idea.  It is a mystery, and one that I can not wait to solve!

 

Cheers!

KJD

Xmas Survival Tips!

It is that time of year again.  The snow is trying to fall.  The hate group is out begging for money in their little red kettles.  The time of year that people feel the need to come together to make their family uncomfortable and spend time with the people that they have avoided the last 12 or so months.  Yep it is Xmas time.  This means that you will most likely be asked to (read forced to) spend time with family that you have been trying to not see.  It will be ok.

I have decided to post today about some holiday survival tips for those of you out there who feel that time with their family is second only to getting an exploratory brain biopsy done by their dentist, but only just.  I will go over 4-5 tips that you can use to get through this.  Don’t worry you WILL get through this.  I promise.

First, do not go. When you get that call that is there is the family Xmas party, say no.  I know that you are thinking that if it were that easy then you would just do it. You are thinking that you HAVE to go because you will disappoint family or worse.  You might think that the drama of saying “No” is worse then saying yes. I can not tell you that there will not be hurt feelings or no drama from this choice.  I want to ask you a quick question though.  At what cost are you willing to pay to stave off these things. Is it worth the week(s) that it will take you to get over the time you spend with your family?  Is it worth the tears that you will cry from the million tiny jabs “in fun” at your expense?  What cost are you willing to pay?  I want to tell you right now you have my permission to say no.  You have my permission and support to choose you and your own mental health this Xmas season.

Second, time limits. This has worked for me in the past when I HAD to be somewhere I did not want to be.  So you HAVE to be there or Aunt June will be crushed and this might be her last Xmas.  Ok fine! Set a hard time limit.  30 mins, 60 mins, whatever.  Hell set a timer on your phone if you have to.  This way you can say you were there.  The family might not be super happy that you have to go but you at least tried right.

Next, have a partner in crime.  This could be a spouse, a friend, a lover or hell even a sibling.  Have a signal set up before hand.  When you are getting to the point that you can not take it anymore give your PiC the signal and they can swoop into the rescue.  They can say that you are needed in the kitchen.  They can deflect Uncle Roy and his off color jokes. They can just hold your had (physically or emotionally) when you need it.  This tip can save you from so much more then just the family Xmas.  Use this one year round.

Fourth, the “Emergency Call”.  This one might take some pre planning.  With how available everyone is with cell phones this is slick.  Talk to your friend that is not going to be at the party/function.  Tell them that if you text them during the time you are at the thing to call you that second.  Make sure your phone is not on silent for this call.  Make a small show of the call.  Your dog is sick.  Your house alarm just went off and they need you to be there.  You just won a million dollars from a Nigerian Prince.  It matters little what the “emergency” is.  It only matters that you have to leave RIGHT THEN to deal with it.

Lastly, Breathe.  This may sound stupid.  This may sound simple.  It is.  I am not going to lie.  It is one of those tips that are so simple that it actuly works.  Your mom getting on you about when you are going to finish school/have kids/get married/etc? Deep breath, ground your self and let it pass. It may take some practice but you can do it.

I know that for many, the thought of drinking to numb the anxiety seems like a good option.  I caution against this one.  Please listen, I speak from experience here.  Alcohol can let you relax a bit BUT maybe too much.  There is a very fine line between being relaxed and being so relaxed that you tell your sibling that you really think of their kids or telling Uncle Bob what you think if his voting record. Also there is the chance that you could swing your emotions to the other extreme.  You could end up bawling in a rest room or the dinner table over something that was or was not said.  If you choose to use this method PLEASE DO SO WITH CATUION!!

Ok my amazing readers. Those are my tips to get through this holiday season.  I know that you can do this.  I have nothing but faith in you!

Cheers

A Change (Of Clothes) Can Do You Good.

Do you have that set of clothes that make you feel like yourself?  Do you have that one blouse or skirt or jeans or hoodie that, when you put it on, makes you feel that all is right in the world?  For me it is my scrubs.

I have been in classroom training for the last week.  This meant that I was in a business casual dress code.  While I was able to make what I had to wear work, I felt like I was in some odd place that I did not really fit.  I am talking about clothing only.  The organization that I am now with is amazing at making all of us feel welcome and part of the family.  I am talking like I felt like I was just not my full emotional self.

This week we are starting to actually work more of a clinic mode.  This means scrubs.  I put my new scrubs (I had to change colors…THANK GODDESS) this morning and felt so good.  It felt like I came home from a long trip.  I was happy.

So what does that say about us (and me specifically)?  Well, I think there is a someone complex answer to that question.  For myself, I spent the last +8 years wearing nothing but scrubs when I was at work.  In those eight years I got to a place where I knew my job backwards and forwards.  I was the go to for so many that I felt comfortable.  I think some of that feeling transferred to the idea of wearing scrubs.

When I was in business casual clothing, I felt the full realness of my newness.  I felt how much I did not know what was going on.  When I then put scrubs on, the comfort and confidence from my past job was able to be harnessed in part.  The scrubs meant that I would be doing patient care.  This is something that I know and feel good about doing.

Patient care is in my blood and when I am able to help people I feel whole.  My mind and body knows that when I am in my scrubs I am about to do that.  I feel that, now that I am in the right uniform, I am about to do what I am trained (and all but born) for.  I found myself breathing easier and felt my shoulders relax a bit.

Please do not misunderstand me here.  I know that i have a crap-ton of shit I need to learn in this new job to get anywhere near the proficiency of my last one.  I know that I am doing a whole new level patient care.  What I am saying is that I now feel that I am able to do what fills me the most with joy.  That is helping people.

What about you?  Is there a thing that you have that makes you feel like you?  Is there something that you put on that makes your feel like that you have come home? Let me and everyone know on the FB group?

Cheers!

KJW

Self sabotage

Self sabotage.  It is the ability to take whatever you are doing, or trying to do, and sink it all by yourself.  This trait is something that many of us have been elevated to the state of an art form.  I am not immune to this trick.  More times then I  am ever willing to count, I have taken something that I know will be awesome or hard but growing and killed it because of the fear that it brought out in me.

I have no qualms about being honest and open with my issues with anxiety.  Not for pity or attention but to be visible.  There is still far to much stigma around issues of mental health in our world today.  It is this anxiety that caused me to kill some of my best ideas.  Some of these plans were sabotaged so badly that I will never be able to use then again where others have never even gotten that far. Why you ask? It is because of my ability to allow my anxiety to sabotage them.

We as a people need to be able to look at this and decide if we are going to keep doing the same old thing or change.  There is that terror inducing word, change.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, brings more anxiety in my mind then the idea of change.  If you read my last blog post you will see that I talked about change there as well. The reason that I am still on this topic is because it is still an issue.  Not the change itself but how we (and by we I mostly mean I) deal with the feelings that come with change.

If you are new here (welcome first off) I will give you a little back-story.  I started not only a new job, but a new career.  BIG CHANGE. While some fear and anxiety is common with these changes, I can not be common. I am extra and I own it.  The anxiety that this changed causes in me is high enough that I am not able to concentrate, sleep, and something even breathe. Fun right?

After my first day, most of it being what I love to call “Corporate Kool-Aid Sessions,” I feel like this is going to be an amazing company to work for.  I have never (yes literally NEVER) found a company that is this “woke” or inclusive.  Despite this, I find myself wanting to run away.  I find my mind going to, “You know, I could just email them, and say that I am not a good fit and be done with it.” Why?

This then comes back to my anxiety and my dealings with impostor syndrome.  Impostor syndrome is when you feel that you are a fraud and it is only a matter of time until you are found out.  It does not matter if you are the world’s best and inventor of the thing you are doing, you feel that you have no idea what you are doing and will be exposed by your lack of knowledge.

This is my first nursing job.  I have been a EMT/ED Tech for over 8 years.  I know patient care.  I can do patient care. BUT…I am terrified anyways.  It is this fear that caused me to want to run.  I know that I will be able to grow from my time here, yet I want to run.  I know that this will make me a better nurse and even a better person, yet I want to run. I know that I will be accepted and work with like-minded people who will respect and honor me, yet I want to run. I want to kill the dream that I have spent two very long and hard years working for.  Why? Anxiety and fear.

So, what am I going to do about this?  Well, I am going to butcher a quote from one of the worlds more amazing minds of our time, Tina Belcher of Bob’s Burgers.  I am going to put my bra on one boob at a time, then go do the thing!  I am going to own my anxity and fear.  I am going to sit in it for a moment to show myself that I am not going to die from it.  I am going to let it go away and do what needs to be done.  I am going to get dressed, put on my face and meet this change like the Amazon that I am.  I am going to take this world by it’s nethers and make it my bitch!

It is my most sincere and honest hope that you will do the same.  When you feel that you just want to run, pause a moment.  Allow yourself to feel those feelings of fear and anxiety. Ask yourself where are they coming from. Ask yourself if you are really willing to allow this opportunity to pass you by. I mean really willing.  Chances are that the answer is no.  You have worked far to hard from these to just pass like so many other things in your life.  You got this!  You are a beast!  You are amazing and unstoppable.  Now go out and do the thing!

Cheers!

KJD

pgp: she/her/hers.

 

 

Ps. If you have found my blog helpful and useful, please conceder donating to my gofundme.  I am trying to raise the money for surgery that my insurance will not cover.  If you are able to then THANK YOU!!!!  If not, THANK YOU FOR READING ANYWAYS!!!  If you could also spread the word about it I would be forever grateful!

They Say Change Will Do You Good

In less then 12 hours I am going to be officially starting my next chapter in my life.  In that amount of time I will be starting a career as a Clinical Float Nurse.  I am terrified. I have gone so far as to think about emailing my new manager and lying to them about taking another job somewhere so I would not have to go and do the thing.  WTF GIRL!? This is your dream job!  Why in the name of the Goddess would you do a thing like that?  Because change is scary.

The sad and funny thing is, this new job is not that much different them my old EMT job.  Yes there are more responsibilities and more on my plate but in it’s most basic form it is all just patient care.  I rock at patient care (or at least I have been told I do).  So why was my first reaction to cut bait and run like my ass was on fire?  Again I go to my previous statement, CHANGE IS SCARY!

Don’t worry, I did not send the email.  What I did though was start thinking.  If I was so honestly willing to bail on something that I have worked my ass off for in the name of fear, what little things have I let go for the same reason? What have I not even started? What choices have I made because I was to scared of what would happen?

I know that I am not the only one that deals with fear by setting camp in the flight section of the Fight, Flight or Freeze reaction.  I joke that I do not run.  Well, that is bullshit.  Plain and simple.  I have ran from so much that scared me the you might think that I am one of those ultra marathoners.

I have done it for almost 40 years (shut up I know that I am old).  Why do we allow fear to run our lives like this?  What is it that we are actually afraid of?  Are we scared that we are going to fail or maybe even do it?  Is it the fact that if we do make it we will not know where to go from there?  Is it that we are far to comfortable where we are, watching shit on TV while we eat our body weight is shit?  When does it stop?

So that is the question I will leave you with this morning (or whatever time of day you see this). Why are your reacting to fear the way you are?  Be honest with yourself.  I mean best girlfriend, yes that dress makes you look like shit, no you can not pull of that color, no your SO is really a shit kind of honest.  When you boil and distil the reason down to it’s honest core then ask, what am I going to do about it?

I know for me I am going to live in that fear when it hits me.  I will allow myself to feel it, name it and then send it on its way.  Then I will go do what needs to be done.

I hope that everyone finds that thing that causes then to run, fight or freeze.  I hope you are able to name it and own it.  Once you do that, there is nothing that can stop you!

Cheers!

KJD

Change Will Do You Good!

Change can be good. This is a statement that I have heard so much lately that it is starting to sound hackneyed and cliché.  No matter how true that statement is change is still often hard.

In less then ten days as of this post I will be starting a new and exciting chapter of my life. Nursing.  Not nursing school but actual patient care nursing.  I graduated nursing school in September of this year and passed the NCLEX in 75 questions in October.  In November I interviewed and accepted a position for a clinical float nurse for a local branch of a national nonprofit.  I will be covering the needs of their clinics within the state of Minnesota.

To say that I am excited would be an understatement.  While it still does not feel real to me yet I can not wait for my first day.  This is the thing that I have worked for two (well more then that really) years for.  This is the thing that I stressed, screamed, endured and fought for.  Shit is getting real!

If I did not talk about how this change is actually bittersweet I feel that I would be missing have the picture though.  As this door is opening, another is closing.  By taking this job I will be leaving the one that I have had for over eight years.  If I am being honest I think that it is time.

I loved my time as a tech, as a whole.  I met and worked with some amazing people.  I have helped some amazing patients.  I learned so much that I have not even going to go into that list.

These experiences are not without their cost though.  It is so true that nothing in life is free.  During my time as a tech I have seen things that will stay with me forever, and not in the good way.  During my time as a tech I have seen senseless deaths; been verbally, physically, and emotionally assaulted almost daily, and lived/worked with a near constant undercurrent of fear for my own life.  It was to the point that my family had an actual plan for what would happen WHEN I was killed on the job.  After eight years of this I was mentally worn down to the point that I ended up in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt. (see previous posts for the whole-ish story)

Please understand that this is not really commentary or rebuke of my soon to be former employer.  This is the state of hospital medicine in the US today.  The number of attacks on healthcare staff is not only appalling but is only rising. Staff are being assaulted every shift. Staff members are being killed on the job at rates that are mind blowing (sources upon request).  This needs to change.

This is one of the reasons why I decided to walk away from the hospital setting for now and focus specialty clinical nursing.  I want to become more of a specialist in an area(s) that I am truly passionate about. With this new job I will be doing just that.  I will be focusing on Reproductive Health and Rights, Mental health promotion and Transgender Healthcare.  These are the three of the four areas that I have the most calling for. To say that this is a dream job of mine would not be a lie.

I know that there are those who read this blog that are acute/hospital care nurses.  I am not saying anything against them.  There are those who that is where they are called to be. I love that.  I love that there is a place in nursing that everyone can fit. Maybe some day I will go back to the hospital side of nursing.  Right now it is not where I feel I can do the most good for the most people.

I will update everyone once I start on how the new gig is going.  Thank you all for your time and reading my blog.  I love you all!

As always, Be Good, Be Well and ALWAYS Be Kind!

Cheers

KJD